Sunday, September 24, 2006

statement. query.

I want to clean my entire house. every nook and cranny. This little drawer in the desk. Under the bathroom sink. re-organize all my kitchen cupboards. I want a specific easy-to-get-to file where all my important papers are. A place for Kai to do homework that includes everything that was in the "A Place for Your Child to do Homework" paper that her teacher sent home. ("ideally, your child's feet should touch the floor. The place should be quiet and clear of any other papers or clutter.") !!!!!!!!

But i sit here. the task seems impossible. oh, and I want garden supply areas! A nice armoire-style garden closet! and space for the garden itself, have I mentioned that at all!?

this apartment is larger than many 2 bedroom places out there. it has storage closets, and a bathroom with two sinks. but I want more. I always do. why can't I find that zen place wherein I am at peace with my surroundings? I want to get rid of clutter! but I have, and want most of what's left, I just want more room to put it! I want floor space where I can stretch out and do dance DVD's.

I want. I want. I want.

I know, I am so lucky in what I have. I have everything and more that i need. again, why can't I be happy with it? not just resigned, not temporarily willing to deal until later...but genuinely content with the now? how do I make myself feel the way I know I should? How do I get into my thick head that I am rich beyond many peoples' dreams!?! I can tell myself that over and over. I can even say "yes I'm happy" yet still I dream of new towels and a matching soap dispenser.

are you happy? content with what you currently have, not wishing for one more thing in your life? do I know anyone in that state of complete repletion? is it possible? if not, WHY?


Carol said...

Della, I am that one person; at least one of them, I don't need new towels, new shoes, new hairdo, maybe some new dishes thought (Ha!) for ours are mostly chipped and sometimes we don't have enough dishes if we have more than 4 guests.
I don't go shopping. Period.
But you see, I am also old, much older than you. I miss my "wanting" heart. When I was wanting, I went out and get it. I worked hard, I was "into" things. It has its useful side too. Taking Kai is a lot of work (a lot of joy too) and you know what? I can't do it any more. I would go to parties and play with kids, but I couldn't care for them the way a deligent mother could. My age gets my energy ane me.
Sometimes, I miss my wanting heart.

mom said...

I am happy. This statement is made truthfully, but I realized the other day that WHEN we move (there's something I want!) I further want.......NO BRAMBLE BUSHES AND NO LITTER IN THE AREA, or at least a reasonably smal amount. The bramble bushes around here are actually making me a little crazy.