Monday Afternoon

I stand in my backyard, look around. In one corner, by the garden shed, there is a patch of tatty ivy around a still-dormant tree. Under the ivy leaves, not hidden well yet, as the ivy hasn’t had its spring growth spurt, are several broken cement pavers. In other places, I spot what looks like pieces of black electrical cord, and that’s what decides me. I pull on my gloves, and pick up the clippers, already grinning with the idea of cutting the ivy, clearing the space, cleaning up the wire, incongruous in the organic hodgepodge of sticks and leaves and pinecones.

I start to chop and pull at the vines, throwing them behind me to put in the yard waste bin later (next week, really, after it’s emptied. Probably should’ve waited…) I move slowly into the middle of the sprawl of leaves, getting closer to the fence with each step. Then I am at the tree, its many spindly trunks growing thinner as they grow taller, sending out multiple branches. I have no knowledge of the rules or art of pruning. I have no idea what sort of tree this even is. I pause for only a moment, then start clipping away, guided only by feeling: this branch is growing in a strange direction, this one hangs over into the neighbor’s yard (and it’s only good manners not the let that happen, right?), this one….looks wrong. I enjoy the…simplification of pruning the tree. I glare at the higher branches, irritated for a moment that I can’t reach them, then settle for simply cutting them off lower down, and then, grasping the cut end, turning around and yanking it out of the tree top an inch at a time, staggering forward as the branch pulls its way through the topmost parts of the tree.

I switch back to the ground, and pick up a piece of black electrical cord, only then realizing it isn’t cord at all, but a black stem from a leaf, long decomposed, leaving the dried stems scattered about. I look more closely at the other “cords” and discover that my quest to clean out the area of non-organic material, carried out by ruthlessly ripping out all the ivy, was based on false assumptions. I stand and think for only a minute, then continue my scourge. It was only an excuse anyway. I wish for a rake, to sweep smooth the several square feet I have de-ivied. Then I see it.

A small green shoot, visible only now that the darker more prominent green of the ivy is gone, reaches up toward the sky. Others jump out at me, and suddenly I realize the whole area I have just uncovered, recklessly stepping here and there while pulling at vines, is filled with some unidentified spring flower shoots.

Well, of course it is. That was my goal all along, you know….clear out the ivy so that the …daffodils…umm..tulips?...I mean crocuses??....can grow. Yep, that was the mission the entire time.

Around 6pm

Tonight I stand in the kitchen, sneaking a bit of reading in between checking the chicken and corn cooking on the stove. In the living room, I hear my family….my daughter sitting at the computer, silent except for the occasional, “Daddy, look! I drew a girl with glasses…” My son running around, his little feet making a slapping sound, louder than his size would suggest him capable of. He drags his toy vacuum around, then momentarily drops it to pick up the dog’s ball and ineptly throw it for her, giggling as it lands about 6 inches in front of him, then rolls away. Our dog, still a puppy in her exuberance, snatches it up, glances doubtfully at him, then carries over to my husband, who she is well aware can throw it further. He obliges, and with a “good dog!” tosses it down the hall. Tail wagging, she chases after.

I put down my book and stir the chicken, the smell of the coconut oil I am cooking it in spilling into the air around me. From the living room come the happy shrieks of a boy who’s just been swept off of his feet by his daddy, and flung into the hair. I flinch at the same time that I smile. The dog bites her ball several times, causing it to squeak maniacally. My daughter says something about what she’s drawing on the computer, and in the chaos, I hear a crash….In the silence , I call “Is everything all right out there?”

There is a pause, then my husband – “Oh yes!” I hear the smile in his voice. The chaos resumes, giggles and feet and a squeaky ball.

“Dinner’s ready!”

wow. I am exhausted. I drove down to Vancouver Friday night to see Tania, Chloe, and Kathy. Because I had a school function to go to first, I didn't get there until 1:15am. In the morning I had meant to sleep until 8:30, but woke up at 7:30!! Very strange. I visited with my mom for a bit, then headed down to Tania's. It was awesome having all three of us together again. (the last time was right after Ben was born, and I was too tired to really remember much!)

Though I give Kathy a hard time about still living where she does, I do understand her (many!) reasons. But it would be so cool to see her more often, and more so, to have all four kids grow up together.

I left there at 7:30 or so, and stopped by the store to get coffee and snacks, then headed out of town. I got home at 10:30pm, and headed to bed. As usual, Ben woke up before 5, then again before 6. I think I may miss class tonight, since it goes until 10, and she is reviewing things I know. Going to bed early would be so marvelous.

I decided to keep up with the 3 days a week work out, and not worry about increasing yet. There is a class that does weights, step, and yoga on Mondays and Wednesdays (which I've done twice. yes, it is brutal), then a spinning class on Fridays (which I have not tried yet. I am sure it, too, is brutal). Ben is getting used to child care there, and likes all but one of the girls who watch over them. He doesn't dislike the one, but she's not as snuggly as the others, so he doesn't calm down as fast (though it still only takes a few minutes).

I am really cold too. We can't have the heat on in the living room during the day because of the type of heater it is (it's on the wall and gets VERY hot). I turn it on at night, but it's definitely getting colder as winter nears.

All right. That's enough mindless chatter for now. I think coffee is in order, both for the exhaustion and the cold.

however, if we ever get a Wii.....

Yesterday at the park it once again came up that we don't have a TV. Kids shows were being talked about and when I looked blank at one character's name, one mother seems surprised I didn't know about him. (the character is Diego's brother. or sister. or someone. I DO know who Diego is.)

I said that we didn't have a TV, so I am not caught up on current kids' shows. There was a minute of silence, then all three women said some variation of "I couldn't do that! I'd go crazy!"

The truth is, I never miss TV. In the beginning, it wasn't our idea not to watch TV. In Pullman, where we used to live, you had to pay for cable to even get basic channels, and we couldn't afford that. So our TV sat in the living room and waited for us to occasionally watch movies on it. I realized that without even the option of vegging on the couch in front of the TV, I didn't miss it. I was pretty busy anyway, with working full time and taking care of my family. If I had had the TV to watch, I would have stayed up way too late anyway, and not for anything worthwhile.

However, Mike and I watched movies and, every once in a while a TV show (Heroes!), online. And after a trip to the school Kaia goes to now, we talked about getting rid of the TV itself. We'd already made the rule of no movies on weekdays, simply because I didn't want to have the homework vs. TV arguments later. After very little discussion, we decided to remove the TV. Kaia could watch her weekend movies on the laptop. The amount of room the TV took up wasn't worth the small amount of use it got.

So out it went. And again, we didn't miss it. We had a lot more room in the living room, and it actually felt much more peaceful without the looming gray screen.

After we moved, we didn't get a TV even though we'd have access to local channels now. We can watch any shows we want to online, though that's rare.

After dinner, we put Ben to bed, then Mike and Kaia spend time together, or we all three do something together. I don't have to listen to my daughter whine about wanting to watch one more show, nor do I have to hear about what new toys she wants, after watching one inane commercial after another. I never think "I wish I could watch TV, I am so bored."

In the spirit of being truthful, if I am at someone's house, and they have the TV on, I am just as likely as the next guy to get lost in it. But I am amazed when commercials come on and I see what advertising people actually expect us to believe. I am shocked at what is considered normal for kids to watch. And when I see Kaia's glazed eyes, and know the same look is in mine when I watch the screen, I thank the stars above we don't have a TV. I'd go crazy!

after the coffee

Happy post! We have some fun things planned for this weekend. Tomorrow we're going to a picnic with about 100 people in my mother's group. Then Kaia's friend Ben is coming over for dinner and we're watching him for a couple hours. Sunday we have no definite plans, but it'll be nice to just spend some time together.

I want to go over to the east side of the state for several days to visit Andrea and her family, but I think I need to wait until Ben more used to sleeping in his crib, that way transitioning back to it when we return will be easier.

Then next weekend is Kaia's birthday party on Saturday, and the Strawberry Festival on Sunday! Oh! and before that, on Thursday, her actual birthday, my parents and possibly my brother are coming up!

I attempted to make english muffins today, but messed up on converting the flour from grams to cups, so didn't put in enough. They tasted good though, so I will definitely be trying again. Mike said I have a talent for making things that turn out fabulous. gotta love that man.

Talked to Shane today, and we both agreed our families need to get together more. Then of course we went over our calendars ... "can't do that weekend...can that one..oh, you can't? hm...how about...no...hmm..." but we both decided to make something happen at some point!

Also got to talk to Kathy today. Now that she's working again we don't talk on the phone as often, so it was awesome to hear from her. I miss that woman. She said she will most likely now be coming for Thanksgiving, so we're back to having both her family and Tania's!!! My first big Thanksgiving dinner! Well, not counting the one a couple years ago...that was a bit of a fiasco, so I am having a do-over.

When I am not feeling all sorry for myself, I recognize how lucky I am. I have a wonderful husband, marvelous children, and fabulous friends. Just because I haven't yet made some here doesn't mean I won't. I should have learned by now that the most special things come in their own time and are so worth it when they do. Somewhere out there are some fantastic women who I will someday get to know. Maybe I've met them, or some of them, already. All I can do is go out into this world with a smile on my face and an open heart. and I can do that.

A little of this, a little of that

One of these days I will post about something NOT related to Ben's sleep habits -- promise! However, today is not the day. Or at least, this is not the post.

Last night Ben took about an hour to fall asleep. He woke up a few times after, but not as much as the night before. I definitely got more sleep! Not caught up by a long shot, but I am hopeful the next few nights will see even more improvement.

Today we added in scheduled naps, since Kaia's school is out for summer. Ben was sleeping in the car every time I took her to or from school, ruining any chance at a decent length nap. I am going to put him down every day around 10, then again in the afternoon (I'll figure out what time depending on how long he sleeps this morning). He's been fussing in there for about 5 minutes, but seems to be calming down.

Tomorrow is Tania's baby shower! In Canada, so I won't be there. I'm really disappointed I can't go, and so I'm trying to think of something fun Tania and I can do together at some point. I was thinking the other day that now that Ben is trying to sleep through the night, I probably could have gone, but it's a bit late, what with the no passport and no financial planning. By a "bit late", of course, I mean "there's no way in hell I could get a passport and plane ticket or gas money together if I started now". I know Tania will have a wonderful time though, and that's all that matters! *pout* (just kidding)

well, my house is a rat's nest, so I must get off my ass and do something about it. Sunday being Father's Day and all, I guess that means I should be treating my husband to a clean house and home cooked meals! wait, I do that anyway...the home cooked meals at least. The house isn't always...shall we say, photo-ready?!

Wish us luck with Ben, send him love.

And Tania--have a BLAST at your baby shower!!

blah blah blah and oh! BLAH!

Sometimes I sit down to write a post and I have so much rushing around in my head. Words of insecurity, words of pride. Stories of my kids. Harsh rants about government or the environment or my dryer. Exultant babblings about blueberries or Kaia's school or Trader Joe's.

And I can't get them out. I can't write it coherently enough for public consumption. Or I start to, and it's whiny, or braggy, or some other such thing I don't really want to publish. So I close it, or delete it, or change the subject.

So here I am, writing a post about not writing several other posts. Exciting, yes? no? hmm....how about an abbreviated version of a few of them in the form of unsatisfyingly short bullets? mmkay.

• insecurity: I am tired of "making friends"here. I want to HAVE friends here. I am tired of being unsure of how others think of me. Unsure of how I am seen by others. I am tired of caring, but I can't stop. Also? I want a darn talent! something, anything, that sets me apart.
  
• pride: I have made a lot of progress in my non-spending of money. My kids are both happy and healthy. I am very secure in my marriage.
• kids: actually, I have nothing in this category right now, but this is one area I feel I cover pretty often.
• rants: for the first time, I am nervous about who will become our new president. We need major change, and fast. our country needs to wake up and start making other changes too. We use THIRTY percent of the world's resources. and my dryer needs to be looked at. the damn lint thing doesn't catch all the lint and I'm worried it'll build up inside.
• babblings: I'm still excited about my blueberries. There will only be a couple handfuls, but I am growing blueberries. Nothing specific really about Kaia's school, I just still really love it. I can do an entire grocery shopping at Trader Joe's in half an hour, thanks to the small size of the store. Since that is also about the length of time Ben will sit in a cart, it's a wonderful thing.

There is so much more. and right now, since I am tired, it's mostly in the insecure category. I don't really want to write an entire post about it all, because it will give the impression I am unhappy, which really isn't the case. I am content with so much of my life. I find new things about my husband every day that make me gloriously happy to be with him. I look at my kids and almost fall over with amazement that I am so lucky to have them.

and I'd write more, but gotta go pick up Kaia! Thanks for reading, please come again!

Was handed lemons....so making....KAHLUA WHIPPED CREAM!

I just juiced all the lemons my mom gave me. I had a LOT, even though she kept a bunch, and gave some to my sister too. They are from my Aunt Carol--her sister has a lemon tree in California. We made lemonade the other day, and Kaia planted a few seeds, despite my pessimistic warnings of our climate and its not-lemon-friendly amount of rain. Tonight I got enough juice for 2 large jars, which I'm freezing. I also made lemon ice cream, though I am not sure it will work out.

THEN. I made Kahlua whipped cream! wonderful stuff people. wonderful stuff. and not related to lemons at all. Oh! but I am eating it with strawberries, which are a citrus fruit, and so are lemons! So there!

This, That, and the Other

I feel there is so much I should, or could, write about that I haven't written because it all seems overwhelming. And a couple of the things are really important, like my mom's surgery, and Tania's pregnancy, that doing a post that includes all of them seems to trivialize the important ones. But if I keep this up, I'll never write a post again! So, please forgive me, mom and Tania, for putting your really important things in with other not so important things. So, here, in a probably very long post, are some of the things that I've been meaning to write about lately......

First up, I realized I haven't mentioned Tania's pregnancy much, if at all. The initial reason for that was that she wasn't telling everyone right away, and though none of the people she wasn't telling read my blog, or really even know about me, I thought I'd honor her desire to keep it all on the down low. Then when she DID tell everyone, I'd already known for awhile, and I didn't have the "OH MY GOD THERE'S SOMETHING AWESOME HAPPENING" chance to write about it. However, it IS happening, and it IS AWESOME. She finds out whether she's having a girl or a boy on the 30th. I was starting to think about a baby shower for her, but she is having one in Canada, so if I had one in Vancouver, there'd only be a couple of people. I think instead I will just do something special with her sometime in the coming months, and ask her sister in law, Sarah, to help me get some scrapbook stuff done at the shower. It would be nice to go to Canada, but I don't have a passport, nor the $100 it takes to get one, not to mention the money to get there. Ah well. Another time. Back to fun stuff!! I am SO sis-cited to meet her baby!!!!

My mom went in for hip surgery yesterday. It was successful, and I've talked to her a few times today. She's very tired, but excited that it's done, and looking forward to trying out her new hip! She's going to get the second one done in a few months, then planning on going hiking again for the first time in years! I'm really happy it's going well, and sending many many healing, happy thoughts her way.

At school the other day:

Kaia: Ms. H, I know what s*x is!
Ms. H: Oh, really?
Kaia: Yes, but I have to whisper it in your ear, 'cause some of the other kids might not know yet.
Ms. H: Okay........
Kaia (whispering): It's when a mom and a dad take off all their clothes except their underwear, then they hug and hug and hug!!

At my mom's house this past weekend, Kaia was watching TV. We don't have one, so she hasn't see actual TV shows for a long time. The show went to commercials. She watched for a minute, then looked over at me-- "Mom, what is this?! My movie was on, then all these....something came on that wasn't my movie!" I told her those were ads. She was confused. "What are ads?" I explained. She wasn't impressed. Yesterday, on the way to school she brought it up again. "Mom, why do those companies need more money? They already have money!"

I'm in a bit of a funk today. Something going one with a friend that I am trying not to take personally, because I am 99% sure it ISN'T personal, but my insecurities are rising, and I really would like it to be resolved. I don't know her very well yet. What I do know says that it isn't about me, and I keep yelling at myself that it isn't always about ME, in fact, it rarely is! I'm being selfish and egotistical to think it's about me. So I should just let it go. And I'm trying. It's so not this big of a deal. Okay, enough now.

Ben! He is so wanting to crawl! oh! and while we were at my mom's, I was standing with him in my arms in the kitchen with a few other people. He was wiggling and fussing and pushing away from me, so I put him on the floor so that I was holding on to his hands while he was standing. He looked all around at everyone, then grinned up at me like "NOW I'm just like everyone else!" He's so aware of the world around him. I'm working on a few things with him. Trying to get him to go to sleep without nursing him to sleep, and helping him get used to his crib. Today he woke up from his nap in it and didn't immediately start crying! He just looked around. Progress!! Last night he slept in his crib for a three hour stretch!

Okay, that's enough for now. Must work on house and dinner.

Starting New

While I was excited to move here at the beginning of the year, there was one dark point. I had never moved anywhere (in my adult life) that I didn't already have a good friend. I hadn't really ever moved far away, except the last time, when we moved to Pullman, and there I had Andrea and John, and I really couldn't ask for better.

But here...here I had a few acquaintances, and a few relatives, both of which I am very happy for. But I missed having a good friend close by, someone to invite over even if my house was a mess, or to ask to babysit my kids while I had a doctor appointment, or to go grocery shopping with. Someone who had a kid or two who got along with my kid or two. Someone whose husband and my husband also like each other. Someone I felt at ease doing dishes in front of, or laundry. Someone whose house I could hang out in while she did dishes...or laundry.

I know it takes awhile to find this. I know I will, years from now, look back on this time and only dimly remember the loneliness. I will have made a few good friends, and my days will be full.

I think I have made the first few steps toward this. I have met a couple women I really like. I like their kids, I like their husbands (and so does Mike!)

I am so impatient. I want to hurry past these times of slight uncertainty. Do they like me too? Do they like my kids? I know they do...but do they like me A LOT?! Do they feel that they could be friends with me ten years from now? Twenty? I want to move into the level of comfortability I have with Kathy and Tania and Andrea. I realize I can't. I realize that takes time. Years.

But darn it. I want it NOW. (why am I so like a child sometimes?!)

and of course, in my duality, I am looking forward to the years of getting to know these women, when I stop to think about it. I look forward to watching their children grow with mine.

When I can remember to slow down, I can enjoy this time in our new friendship.

blah blah blah

Bah. Boring day! I worked on Kaia's room a bit, but there's still a lot to go. I worked on my room, and put away laundry...dyed Kaia's curtains purple.....ate some...Ben is still fussy, but his temp is normal.

I think I am a bit sick. Just feel a bit out of it. I had told Kaia we would order pizza for dinner, but I think I'm going to have to cancel that, just don't feel like spending the money. We have plenty of other things to eat.

I really need to work on our grocery budget. I spend WAY too much on food. So I am cutting it down to $100 a week, and only going once a week, with a proper list, after planning all meals for that week. Wish me luck.

I'm so excited about Andrea and John and their kids visiting next month! I have no idea where we'll put everyone, but we'll figure something out.

Kaia is bugging me over and over to look at her doll. "Look at shoes! Look at her tights! Look at her hair! Isn't she the prettiest groovy girl!?" Then she repeats it. Well, she did until I told her to stop. I have little patience today.

Ben is laying on the floor watching her play. He loves his big sister quite a bit. She's pretty darn fond of him too. Wonder how long that will last?! ;-)

Okay, I feel this post has meandered on long enough. I'll try to find something else to do.....really, I'll be fine....sigh......

In Which I Show Some Oddness

Someone who reads my blog recently told me that they (using "they" incorrectly so as not to use "he" or "she". sorry) wished they were happy all the time, like me. I was shocked, and assured them (you know what? Let's just call this person "Z".) So, I assured Z that I wasn't always happy, and had my bad days too. Z said that on my blog, I always write so positively, so happily about my day to day stuff. So, to keep it real, and to make Z feel better, I want to make something very clear.

I have bad days. I have nights where I cry in the bath (those aren't often). I have mornings where I am pissed off at various people and yell at them in my head. I have evenings when I really want someone to just come take these children somewhere for the night so I can SLEEP ALL NIGHT and maybe even late into the morning! I get irritated about my housework, husband, kids, parents, other friends and relatives.

There are two reasons why I don't talk much about all that here, other than a rant occasionally. The first one is that most of them read this blog, and I don't want to make our issues public, or I might not even really feel I want to get into it with them.

The second is the most important. I really feel that I create my reality. My thoughts and words move out into the universe and solidify, surrounding me with the colors and feelings of themselves. If I yell and bitch and whine all the time, the universe (through me) will only create more things to yell and bitch and whine about. If I smile, and laugh, and love those around me, that is also magnified.

Wait a minute before you hate me and think I'm all sanctimonious. I DO yell and bitch and whine. trust me, I DO. But when I can, and were I can (this blog) I TRY to limit it. I try to help the universe help me. I am getting better and better at it. I KNOW how lucky I am. I have a husband who loves me and our children. I have family and friends who have my back. I have two kids who are happy and healthy and growing.

and, Z...don't worry...it WILL get better. You're strong. And yo u have a happy Z inside you just waiting to break free and sing show tunes! or something.

Women are from Venus, Men are from Alpha Centari

The simple phrase "Let's clean the house." Seems clear, yes? Apparently, this means different things to men and women. Or my man and me, at least.

To me, it means dishes, pick up living room, clean bathroom, do laundry, etc.

To Mike? It always seems to mean disappear into the office and spend a couple hours taking things out of bins and trying to find homes for them, fixing a chair that has been broken for weeks (but that was okay, because we don't use it)and install our new DVD burner. These are all things that need to be done, yes, but don't fall under MY version of "let's clean the house".

Ah well. I love the man dearly, so put up with these strange differences in our personalities. After all, he puts up with with my odd ideas too.

shameless begging

Please take my cool quiz! I really promise I won't be offended by wrong answers. I just want participants! Even if you really don't actually know, just guess!

Please? :-)

Thursday Morning

Ben has a bit of a sniffly nose that kept him restless all night, which means I was restless all night. I had decided to sleep this morning with him during his morning nap, but of course now I am just slightly too awake to do that, but I don't want to put him down and risk waking him up--he really needs to get some solid sleep.

so here we are, on the couch, he is laying on top of me sleeping, and I am almost done being able to waste time on the computer. Also, there is cleaning to be done! and if I DO decide to just sleep, I know that at the exact moment I begin to drift off, he will begin to wake up, which will just make me grouchy.

Maybe I'll work on planning Kaia's room. We are getting her some new furniture to help the clutter issue and make it easier for her to clean her room by herself.

KATHY AND BRIANNA ARE COMING TONIGHT!!!!!!!!! We are all so excited to see them!! This weekend we are really hoping to go down and see Tania and Simon (Tania, do NOT let me forget to get a pic of all three of us for your album!) Kathy and Brianna are staying for a whole week, it will be so nice to be able to hang out with them again. Last time I saw Kathy I was so tired from Ben's birth, I honestly don't remember much of the visit. (except a really funny cookie dough story which I keep meaning to write about...will soon)

a whole lotta cupcakes

sitting on the couch waiting for the second batch-the white-cupcakes to cool enough to frost. Half of them with vanilla, half with chocolate, just like the chocolate cupcakes. Kaia wants her friends to have choices tomorrow. Which is why I now have 18 cupcakes waiting for FOUR little girls to each pick one. This is an important party for her though, so I want it to be perfect for her. She already was disappointed that only three girls could come, everyone else is either on vacation, didn't return my call, or in the case of one was the wrong phone number.

Mike has WONDERFULLY agreed to take them all out to play in the snow, after which we will eat Kaia's choice for lunch, sandwiches and nacho cheese Doritos. Then cupcakes, then some in the house playing if there's still time. I'm hoping there's not, isn't that selfish of me? ;-)

This time next week I will be in my new house!! I am so excited to unpack and put everything in it's new place, to show my family the apartment I chose, and to put my clothes in my new walk-in closet! Then on the 7th, Mike starts work, and Kaia starts at her new school. She is getting more and more excited about it. We looked at the class list and learned the names of her new classmates. She has her apron for cooking, her slippers for wearing indoors, her raincoat for going outside for recess, her lunch box and basket for...well, lunch, of course.

My dad will be bringing up the crib, so Ben will have a new place to sleep. Kaia will have a new bed, too, as well as a new dresser. We'll have another bookshelf and a coffee table!

I think the cupcakes might be cool enough. So I will stop this incessant babbling and let you get back to more interesting things!

making plans

Please excuse the meandering of the following post.......thank you.


I've created a one-year budget for us after we move. We will finally have some money to do some things, but first up is paying off debt. Thanks to my mom, we have NO school loans, but we do have other bills. We owe my mom a fair amount, but that will be the last chunk of debt paid off, as she would prefer we pay off interest debt first.

My Uncle Chris lent us another fair amount (though less) to move with, and that repayment will be started in May 2008 and paid off sometime the following year, 2009. The first bills we will pay off will be from Ben's birth, about $2000 total (after insurance paid 80%!). Then the MasterCard will be sent serious payments ($200-$400 per month) until paid off, probably by the first few months of 2009. Then we will start paying my mom back.

Rounding up, (possibly by a few thousand, not totally sure) we have a total of about 16 grand to pay off, and how awesome is it that ALL of it will be done by the end of 2009?

Plans for right after we move include making wills and getting life insurance for both of us. We will be immediately contributing to Mike's 401-k so we don't get used to that money, so our retirement plans can get back on track. The kids' college funds will have to wait until after debt is paid off, but then we can start putting several hundred a year into each of those.

We may, I'm not sure, have the Toyota paid off by the end of 2009 too, but at some point during that year I'm hoping to get a different car (Mike might keep the Toyota, he's not sure). Not a new one, but hopefully one that only 1-3 years old.

For the next year, we will each have a small monthly allowance so we can have some fun :-)! I will be taking that out in cash at the beginning of each month, and not carrying my debit card or checkbook around with me, to curb spending. I will be paying for groceries with cash too, and sticking to a set amount each month. Right now that amount is $400, but that may have to change.

One thing we are considering to reward ourselves for the hard work we've done these past three years, is getting iPods with one of his first checks. Not the most expensive ones by a long shot, but just something that says "We DID IT!!!" Then the budget can be followed from then on.

I'm trying to think of something I can do, that doesn't cost money obviously, for following the budget each month. I know it's going to be hard for me, but I really want to reach that zero debt mark. Mike really wants to be out of renting in a couple years, and I don't want to buy until we are in a really good place, financially, for that. Any extra money at the end of each month is going to be rolled over into a savings account, and I need something to motivate me not to touch it! ANY IDEAS?!?!

To keep from getting bored, I am already putting plans into place for activities the kids and I can do while Mike is at work. Kaia will be getting out of school at 12:30 each day. I have found some moms' groups I am going to try out.

On Saturdays, there is a Zen meditation group I am hoping will be really cool. I asked Mike about it and he is happy to give me those mornings if it turns out to be something I enjoy.

Wednesdays I am going to take the kids to the library, and Mondays will will go grocery shopping.

Mike will have every other Friday off, and we have already decided to see if we like the zoo and the aquarium enough to get year long memberships to them. (with each of those, 3 visits per year will make a membership worth the cost)

During the summer, I am going to sign Kaia up for swimming lessons, and since Ben will be over six months old, he and I can do a babies and mom's swimming time.

I am going to ask Mike's step mom to show me the ropes for ebay-ing. She and Mike's father were really good at it, and made quite a bit of money. She stopped after Bill's death, but she is getting back into it now, and Mike and I think that would be something fun I could start doing, to make money (hopefully!) and to occupy my time. So during the summer we'll be going to a lot of yard sales!

I'm excited to show Kaia the space needle, and I know I'll find lots of other fun stuff (like Pike Place Market!) in Seattle, as well as the town we'll live in, to do. My aunt and uncle live only 30 minutes away from us, so we'll be spending lots of time with them too!

wow. okay, that's enough babbling for now.

Good Friday

Today was spectacular. I will tell you why, but please know that nothing ultra exciting happened. I will reach the end of my tale, and you will probably wonder why I am so thrilled. Also, it's only 2:30, so there is so much more of the day to enjoy! I may post again later if more cool things happen. although nothing most people would find overly joyful happened, I thoroughly enjoyed it!

First, Ben only woke up ONCE last night!! That means he slept 6 hours, then 4 hours! Too cool....

Kaia headed out the door for her last day at this school, and I started coffee. Mike sat down at his computer to mess around for a bit and I checked email. Just a nice relaxing morning.

Mike went on a box hunt and was successful! He came back with several good ones, including 3 perfect book packing boxes. Together we taped them closed on the bottom and emptied almost one full bookcase! It was awesome to just spend time with my husband.

Then we made Harvest Muffins (at some point will post recipe) together, while sharing a leftover burrito. Again, just spending the time leisurely with my man was just too cool. There was no homework sitting in the background calling him, no other work that we HAD to do. Ben snoozed in his swing behind us as we stirred and chopped and Mike fed me bites of burrito goodness.

Then Andrea called and asked if I wanted to join her for some last minute Christmas shopping. Of course, there is only one answer to that, so she picked me up and we headed out, leaving Ben in his daddy's capable hands. We fortified ourselves with a couple of Baskin Robbins coffee drinks (and I picked up a small container of bubble gum ice cream (can you say oh my god, yuck?!) for Kaia and Mike (yes, my husband likes pink bubblegum ice cream. crazy, I know).

We headed to the store and wandered happily about. I picked up a set of reindeer antlers for Kaia, which was meant to be a Christmas gift, but turned into a feel-better gift (more on that later), and found 3 books for Ben's Santa gift. One of the books Andrea found and was extremely generous in letting me have it, as it was the only one left--it has black and white pictures of animals that look like they are moving when you move the page. Much cooler than it sounds, trust me.

I came home to my family-Kaia had a half day today-and discovered Kaia had fell at school and skinned up her nose and mouth. She was okay, but I gave her the antler-headband to help her feel better. Ate a Harvest Muffin, then sat on the couch and listened to her read a book she got in class today. Ben is now sleeping on me, sweet sweet boy, and Kaia and Mike came in from playing outside for a bit.

excellent day, don't you agree?

blech

I am out of sorts tonight. No real reason why, just feeling grumpy.

I adapt well to new situations. When moving up here the only regret I had was leaving my family and friends. My only regret leaving here is leaving Andrea and her family. I love the planning that goes into a move, the unpacking of my things, the dream that this time I will put everything in it's place and it will stay there. The finding of the nearby grocery stores, the search for the perfect doctor, dentist, chiropractor. The idea that I may meet new friends, find new adventures.

The down side to this? I begin to distance myself from THIS place too early. I stop caring if things have a place, because they won't even be here soon. I stop worrying how I look when I go out, because these people will never see me again! It's hard to clean my house, because in my mind, it's quickly becoming not-my-house. MY house is on the other side of the state, eagerly awaiting my arrival! It's even hard to eat the food here....this isn't real food, the REAL food over there, paused in it's existence until I appear to purchase and consume it. I forget to make sure Kaia has her Blue Folder for school, or does her homework (which I was actually getting very good at remembering to have her do), because this isn't her REAL school....her teacher and her new friends are only three weeks away from meeting their newest classmate!

It's hard to even buy food or anything else. I was in the store today, and I had to make myself buy yogurt and lunch meat. I passed a rack of something or other that normally I would have had to steel myself to pass by without grabbing things....and I could only think of the clutter it would add to my new home. I need pants, I have been living in pajama pants, only putting one one of the two pairs of jeans I own if I am leaving the house--but when I walked into the clothing section yesterday, I couldn't stand the sheer AMOUNT OF CLOTH, and had to go about my business of finding the Christmas gifts I had come for. I got mad at myself when this morning I realized both my pairs of jeans were dirty and I had to find the least dirty pair to wear, but won't go buy any until after I move. 'Cause in my strangely warped mind, the jeans over THERE must be better than the ones here, HERE where I don't actually live anymore, so can't buy anything right?

The only thing I haven't pulled back from is Andrea and her family. I want to spend as much time as possible (and due to weather and the price of gas, isn't close to as much as I'd like) before we leave. The last three years are the longest duration of time we've lived this close to each other in our whole 22 year friendship.

Now that I think about it, that may be another reason I have emotionally left this area already. I hate long drawn out goodbyes, so getting all but that one over with as soon as possible. And saying goodbye to Andrea, John, Katia and Liam will not be fun. There will be tears, at least on my part, and Kaia's......and the one thing I hate more than long drawn out goodbyes are tear filled ones.

That was enough of a ramble to last awhile, now, wasn't it?

some babbling from out of nowhere

There seems to be a growing trend to home school. I read blogs devoted to it, or by moms who happen to mention that they do it. And they are, RIGHTFULLY, so happy and proud about it. I've read a blog written by a woman while she was making the decision to home school, and read about her discovered love of it, and continuing enjoyment from it. I've known a family with four kids who home schools, and their children are very smart, very well educated kids who seem to really enjoy learning, thanks to their parents.

One thing that bothered me was that a lot (not all by any means) of the mothers who wrote about homeschooling, seemed to exude a holier-than-thou attitude about it. Even those that claimed to be non-judgmental about it would say things like "we love our kids enough to make sure they get a GOOD education" as if sending your kids to a public school meant you didn't love them enough, but hey! they aren't judging you for it!

So for about 2.5 seconds, I considered it. I mean, I'm an intelligent, creative person. I could do the research, and get the materials....there's lots about it on the Internet. Then I almost fell over laughing (internally) over the idea. I just couldn't do it. For a bit I felt a little guilty about that. Shouldn't I want to spend that quality time with my kids? Shouldn't I care that much about their education that I take it upon myself, now that I don't have to work, to give them the best chance in life that I can?

To answer the second question first, yes, I should. and DO. And the way I can do that is not by homeschooling. Because while I am an intelligent, creative person, being the sole teacher of my children would NOT be beneficial to them or me. Now, before you get all indignant, I am not saying it's not beneficial to OTHER peoples' kids who are home schooled.

However, as many strengths as I have, being a good mother doesn't include being around my kids 24 hours a day. I have to have time to myself to be able to give them my best. Also, having finally figured out what I want to be when I grow up, I am looking forward to going back to school, then work. I know that I would lose my patience, lose my ability to be the best mom I can be.

And that kind of answers the first question. I love spending time with my kids. But I know that I am more fun, and more able to enjoy that time when it's not ALL THE TIME. And I have decided not to feel guilty about that fact.

So I went with a third option. I found a school that agreed with what I, in a more perfect and patient world, would teach my kids. They will learn multiple languages, they will study music and the playing of instruments. They will draw and paint on a daily basis, even in the higher grades. They will dance, and be in plays, and garden, and cook, and enjoy learning (hopefully!)

It's hard for parents to figure out the best for our kids. For some, homeschooling is the only decision. For others, public schools are a wonderful choice. For me, the Waldorf system is what I like best. It's another one of those things that we need to stand together as parents rather than judging, like the whole SAHM vs. working mom (can't remember the acronym for that, oh well.) Being a parent is hard enough without having someone look down on you for your choices.