Want to know how to ruin Christmas for your kid?

Step One: Have the great idea to go out of town to the grandparents ON Christmas Eve.

Step Two: Decide to have Grandma buy the gift from Santa, so that your kid doesn't see it packed in the car.

Step Three: Have the wonderful tradition of having grandma also get all the stocking stuffers. It saves you money, and she picks really cool things.

Step Four: Live in an area that never gets snow.

Step Five: Watch as a blizzard hits, making roads completely undrive-able.

Step Six: Wonder how to explain to child how Santa didn't know where you'd be, so he left all the presents at Grandma and Grandpa's.

Step Seven: Think about watching child wake up Christmas morning to no bike from Santa, and no stocking.

Step Eight: Cry, even though it's a totally materialistic thing to worry about, and there are millions of kids out there with no FOOD on Christmas, much less presents and stockings waiting at Grandma and Grandpas. Yes I KNOW it's a stupid thing to be upset about. BUT I AM.

Yes, I WOULD like some cheese with my whine. thank you.

I want to whine. I can't stand whining. My daughter whines and it's one of the only things that makes me want to slap her. I don't, of course, but if I were the sort to slap? Whining would be the reason.

I want to whine about not having any friends. but wait...I do have friends, both elsewhere and here. The elsewhere ones are better friends, simply because I've known them longer. Which is, of course, the only remedy for having better friends here. and yes, I KNOW I've whined about this before. But then I read a blog written by a friend of a friend - who I'd like to get to know better, she's quite nice - talking about what a good friend the mutual friend is (got that?) and I get all mopey and whiny. Because that particular mutual friend I sometimes don't understand. While we are together she is so nice, and seems to genuinely want to be my friend too. But she doesn't call me, and lately hasn't seemed to want to get together, though she says she does. however, disclaimer, she is pregnant, and while I was pregnant, I had a hard time making an effort to be social too. a very hard time, for reasons I don't understand. so she could be like me. or she could just be not wanting to hurt my feelings? or I could be taking all this WAY TOO PERSONALLY like usual?!?! I don't want to talk to her about it, because I don't want to be whiny and all self-centered like I am being now.
She lives about 40 minutes away, which I don't mind driving, but is too far to call her up and reasonably expect to be able to say "hey, come hang out a bit" and I don't want to invite myself over there, we haven't reached that part of friendship yet. I miss that part of living in Pullman, where I could call Andrea and be all "yeah, so I'm coming over, okay? thought I'd hang out at your house all day" and that would be totally fine with her and I would know it was totally fine with her.
I would have to say this is the ONLY THING I am not liking about living here. Mike loves his job, Kaia loves her school, my family is very happy. I love having my husband available in the evenings to be with his family, I love being with my kids and not having to worry about rushing off to work. I enjoy being able to take the time to cook healthy yummy meals for us, and my marriage is joyful.
But I need other wimminfolk! I want to have friends who can bring their kids over and hang out, we can make lunch together and chat about nothing and everything. and I want it now. I know, I KNOW. good friendships don't happen right away, they grow. but one, just one, good friend would be good to have right now. one that lives close by, one that I can call up and go grocery shopping with.

okay, whine over.

A little of this, a little of that

One of these days I will post about something NOT related to Ben's sleep habits -- promise! However, today is not the day. Or at least, this is not the post.

Last night Ben took about an hour to fall asleep. He woke up a few times after, but not as much as the night before. I definitely got more sleep! Not caught up by a long shot, but I am hopeful the next few nights will see even more improvement.

Today we added in scheduled naps, since Kaia's school is out for summer. Ben was sleeping in the car every time I took her to or from school, ruining any chance at a decent length nap. I am going to put him down every day around 10, then again in the afternoon (I'll figure out what time depending on how long he sleeps this morning). He's been fussing in there for about 5 minutes, but seems to be calming down.

Tomorrow is Tania's baby shower! In Canada, so I won't be there. I'm really disappointed I can't go, and so I'm trying to think of something fun Tania and I can do together at some point. I was thinking the other day that now that Ben is trying to sleep through the night, I probably could have gone, but it's a bit late, what with the no passport and no financial planning. By a "bit late", of course, I mean "there's no way in hell I could get a passport and plane ticket or gas money together if I started now". I know Tania will have a wonderful time though, and that's all that matters! *pout* (just kidding)

well, my house is a rat's nest, so I must get off my ass and do something about it. Sunday being Father's Day and all, I guess that means I should be treating my husband to a clean house and home cooked meals! wait, I do that anyway...the home cooked meals at least. The house isn't always...shall we say, photo-ready?!

Wish us luck with Ben, send him love.

And Tania--have a BLAST at your baby shower!!

Rain Rain GO AWAY

okay, even for the Pacific Northwest, this is RIDICULOUS!!!! Where the hell is the SUN!?!?

We had an unusually cold winter (snow in MAY), now we are having a cold and gray spring. Please, please, make up for it by a warm, dry summer. I am begging.

In other news, I am sick and Ben is still waking up several times a night. I am making a dr. appt. for this afternoon.

In a later post, I will talk about the things I've been planning for this summer--my first summer as a stay at home mom to two kids. Most of it's free, too!

but I don't WANT to go back.

Want to know what sleep deprivation gets you?

Paper towels when you were wanting toilet paper and already have plenty of paper towels.

Stain remover when you were wanting laundry detergent and already have stain remover.

grr....

A Rare and Unwanted Occurance

OH MY GOD. We have snow in April. I am just shocked. We don't always get snow in December here in the Pacific Northwest, much less at the end of April. I am personally offended. I just moved back after three years in snow country.
I was looking forward to NO SNOW. I think it followed me.

Do you see this?

DO YOU SEE THIS?!!?! It's snowing!!!! It's the flippin' 19th of APRIL in Seattle! Why the hell does the Universe feel it's necessary to SNOW?!

Next time, I really should be consulted.
'Cause I am definitely on the NO SNOW IN APRIL side of this issue.

In Which I Whine Like a 2 year Old

Being sick as a kid is such a breeze. You can just hang out on the couch while your mom or dad bring you Popsicles and chicken noodle soup and 7-up. You can cuddle down in soft blankets and watch TV, and take a nap whenever you feel like it.

Being sick as a mom? Slightly different. I can take a break on the couch, while my son sleeps--on me, of course, which makes getting comfy a bit difficult. My daughter is a huge help, luckily. She so sweetly brought me water and offered to make me soup. Being 7, she isn't quite ready to move from making her own sandwiches to boiling soup, but it was kind of her to offer.

But I can only rest for a short time. There is still laundry to wash, fold, and put away, dishes to scrub, and put away, dinner to plan and cook, lunch to make, cat litter to change, etc.

and just to bitch a bit, my throat HURTS!!! Like making my eyes water HURT. The bag of cough drops says "do not use while breastfeeding" (WTF?!?!) so that's out. I've eaten a few spoonfuls of honey, which helps for a few minutes, but my stomach can only handle so much honey, ya know?

And though Kaia is being very sweet, she still requires answers to her several hundred questions: "what should I draw next? Do you like this dress? Should I draw daddy in the store or in the house? Can I do finger painting on the kitchen floor? Is Ben awake yet? What is there to do? When will dad get home? Can I do regular painting on the table? What is there to eat? Can I have some fruit leather? Are you crying? Do you want some water? Can I have something to eat? Why don't we have any bread? Can we go to the store? Why not?"

I am hoping 5:30 comes soon. Mike will be home. I plan on handing over the baby and taking a very hot bath. Then maybe go to bed. And while I'm living in that fantasy world, maybe he'll bring me some chicken noodle soup and 7-up, right before he finishes the dishes and cleans the house.

my turn, I guess

woke up this morning with a very sore throat and a stuffed up nose. not my idea of a good time on friday. though I'm glad it's friday so that Mike will be home tomorrow. now I just need to get through the next 9 hours. blech.

irritation!

It seems like a simple desire. I want some storage drawers for under Kaia's bed. I don't want them to be plastic. Ideally, they would be wooden, have wheels, be a simple 4 sided box shape with a bottom and no lid, and cost LESS THAN SEVENTY DOLLARS!!!

Kaia's bed is perfect for underbed boxes. She has a 9" clearance, and nothing under there that can't be stored somewhere else. Anyone out there feel like making me two or three drawers that are 9 inches high, have wheels, and would fit under a twin size bed?!! I would pay for them, just not $70!

blech

I am out of sorts tonight. No real reason why, just feeling grumpy.

I adapt well to new situations. When moving up here the only regret I had was leaving my family and friends. My only regret leaving here is leaving Andrea and her family. I love the planning that goes into a move, the unpacking of my things, the dream that this time I will put everything in it's place and it will stay there. The finding of the nearby grocery stores, the search for the perfect doctor, dentist, chiropractor. The idea that I may meet new friends, find new adventures.

The down side to this? I begin to distance myself from THIS place too early. I stop caring if things have a place, because they won't even be here soon. I stop worrying how I look when I go out, because these people will never see me again! It's hard to clean my house, because in my mind, it's quickly becoming not-my-house. MY house is on the other side of the state, eagerly awaiting my arrival! It's even hard to eat the food here....this isn't real food, the REAL food over there, paused in it's existence until I appear to purchase and consume it. I forget to make sure Kaia has her Blue Folder for school, or does her homework (which I was actually getting very good at remembering to have her do), because this isn't her REAL school....her teacher and her new friends are only three weeks away from meeting their newest classmate!

It's hard to even buy food or anything else. I was in the store today, and I had to make myself buy yogurt and lunch meat. I passed a rack of something or other that normally I would have had to steel myself to pass by without grabbing things....and I could only think of the clutter it would add to my new home. I need pants, I have been living in pajama pants, only putting one one of the two pairs of jeans I own if I am leaving the house--but when I walked into the clothing section yesterday, I couldn't stand the sheer AMOUNT OF CLOTH, and had to go about my business of finding the Christmas gifts I had come for. I got mad at myself when this morning I realized both my pairs of jeans were dirty and I had to find the least dirty pair to wear, but won't go buy any until after I move. 'Cause in my strangely warped mind, the jeans over THERE must be better than the ones here, HERE where I don't actually live anymore, so can't buy anything right?

The only thing I haven't pulled back from is Andrea and her family. I want to spend as much time as possible (and due to weather and the price of gas, isn't close to as much as I'd like) before we leave. The last three years are the longest duration of time we've lived this close to each other in our whole 22 year friendship.

Now that I think about it, that may be another reason I have emotionally left this area already. I hate long drawn out goodbyes, so getting all but that one over with as soon as possible. And saying goodbye to Andrea, John, Katia and Liam will not be fun. There will be tears, at least on my part, and Kaia's......and the one thing I hate more than long drawn out goodbyes are tear filled ones.

That was enough of a ramble to last awhile, now, wasn't it?

feeling down....but working up.

This was a bit of a tiring day. Ben didn't sleep very well last night, not even his normal 2 hour portions.

Kaia got out of school early - will all this week- because of parent-teacher conferences. So she came home and made the living room even more of a mess than it was....and yes, the rest of the mess was mine. Hard to bend down when your baby uses you as a bed ALL FREAKIN' DAY AND NIGHT.

Anyway, Kaia spent the time I was at the conference with John at work. She loves hanging out with him, they get along awesomely. Conference went well, Kaia's doing fine in all areas (no big surprise to me) One thing that was a bit surprising is her reading level. She is a MARVELOUS reader at home, and though she is in one of the higher levels, on the assessment she missed several words that I KNOW she has down pat. Ah well....not going to stress about it or anything, I just wish she'd apply what she knows.

Did a small grocery shopping afterwards, not much since I'll be getting more on my food stamp card in a few days. I made hamburger strogonoff for dinner, and Kaia loudly voiced her dislike of the mushrooms. She is currently trying to out-wait me in the how-much-dinner-must-be-consumed-to-get-dessert. Little does she know that I am about to take her bowl, heave it into the sink, and send her to bed. patience...I must....find...patience.....

I also have a headache, though that's going away since I took something for it.

Oh! another thing to bitch about....I had forgotten that Mike had a meeting tonight, so wouldn't be home for dinner tonight and I was really looking forward to spending some time with him, he's so busy with school right now.

okay, bitching done. I am thankful for my husband and my children. I am thankful Kaia is doing well in school. I am thankful we can be here for Mike to be able to go to school. I am thankful Ben is gaining weight so well.
I may be a bit grumpy, but I AM aware of how lucky I continue to be.....

The good and the bad.

The good, first, shall we? that way I can be reminded that I LOVE my daughter.

when I picked her up from school---

"Mom, guess what? Ashley and I have the same germs now!"

"Oh really?"

"Yes, so even though we aren't family, it's okay! 'Cause she had a drink, juice, cranberry juice, and she took a drink, and didn't even wipe the top, and then I took a drink, AND we kissed on the bus on the way back, so now we have the same germs!"

She was so excited. It cracks me up sometimes, the things she comes up with.

and now, the reason that sometimes, only sometimes, I want to, almost, slap her.

For MONTHS she has been excited about tap class. She decided on her own that she wanted to do tap instead of ballet, or gymnastics, or anything else. We signed her up, bought tap shoes and the required shirt with the studio logo, and waited. She went to dance camp, where she had fun, and she was looking forward to September, when tap class started.

Then today. We go into class. She puts on her shoes. They line up. The teacher starts going over basic steps. Kaia lasts about 2 minutes, then comes over to me. "I don't want to do tap, it's boring."

WTF!?!?! She was mad in dance camp when they only did tap for part of the class. She's been putting her tap shoes on and "practicing" for WEEKS. and now it's BORING!?! $30 tuition for a month, $15 tap shoes, $5 shirt, for TWO FUCKING MINUTES OF CLASS. She flat out refused to finish even one lesson.

Now, I'm all for making her follow through. But there's only so much I can do without disrupting the class, which is extremely rude, and always pisses me off when other parents do it. So after about 5 minutes of whispered argument, we left. In the car, I assured her that she has used up her allotted money for fun classes for a good while. When we got home, Mike brought out the Daddy Voice and let her know in no uncertain terms that her behaviour is unacceptable, then sent her up to clean her room.

She has just come down to tell me she's finished. I plan on taking a bag up, and anything not done- "it's ALL done, mama! I PROMISE!"- will go in the bag, never to be seen again.

I want her to be able to do fun things. I want her to have opportunities and learn talents and have good childhood memories. I want to be able to let her choose fun things to go do. It's not that I am forcing her to sign up for these things! I am not one of those parents who makes their child take all sorts of classes.

now I am babbling. I'm done.

bah

I am in a very irritable mood right now. Won't talk about it because I suppose it's not nice to talk about being annoyed with Mike publicly. But I am ANNOYED. just so you know.


and my "J" key seems a bit snarky.

this is only one of the f'd up financial things that happened today

So I tried to apply for energy assistance for the 3 months I will not be working.

Was told they go by the last three months of income to qualify you. The last three months were the only three months Mike works full time during the year, so definitely don't qualify, and just barely don't anyway with our normal income.

Asked if it could be taken into consideration that our income will drastically decrease during the time we are actually applying. Last three months we could AFFORD the electric bill, which is why are are applying NOW, not THEN. Was told no.

Asked what other options there are. Was told that I could apply in December, since then the last three months (September, October and November) would qualify me. Told them that I wouldn't need it THEN, which is why I'm applying NOW. Was told sorry.

Asked if there are ANY other options. Was told that I can submit an energy bill showing that I have been LATE on my payments, then will qualify for something, though a lesser amount. Told them again that I could afford it BEFORE NOW, so am not late. Told sorry then, don't qualify.

Said "so if I purposely DON'T PAY MY BILL, so I am late NEXT MONTH, I will qualify? But if I want to stay up to date this month, because I can afford it, and act like a responsible adult who simply needs help for 3 months, I won't?" was told that was correct.

fucked up system if you ask me.

Grumble.....glower.....grr....

I don't normally talk about dreams, 'cause I know you don't like listening to other peoples' dreams just as much as me, so I won't go into details, but last night SUCKED.

EVERY SINGLE GODDAMN dream had someone doing something idiotic (often affecting my daughter) and me getting pissed off and yelling at them. And them not understanding that they were being a moron, or not caring that they had either put my daughter in danger or hurt her feelings. WTF is that about? I mean, ONE dream, okay, whatever, but ALL OF THEM!?! And we are talking like 4-5 dreams last night!

So, needless to say, I am not in the best of moods today.

After I get happier, I will post about my day yesterday, which started out no so good, but ended very well. (Live Free or Die Hard was AWESOME)

A little less bitching, a lot more talking.

Here are some of the things I am stressing out about right now, hence the bad mood of earlier which has continued through the day:

1. We still don't have a name for the baby. It's really bothering me because I don't even have a few names I like but Mike doesn't that I could try to convince him to use. I have nothing, nada, zilch. Actually, I still like William and Ben. So I do have options I guess. But the meaning of Ben is "son of my right hand" which is boring and a bit gross, if you read it the right (wrong) way. And William has a few good and a few bad associations for me, which I know would all go away if it was my son's name, but it's just not the PERFECT name. With Kaia, we knew it was the perfect name, the only name for our daughter. We both love it and have from the beginning. Naming someone is hard! The name we choose will be part of him FOREVER. sigh.

2. I really want to know where we will be going after Mike graduates. Not having a clear idea of where, or how, we will live a short 6 months from now is not how I like to live. I like to KNOW these sorts of things. It's not at all that I doubt Mike will find a job. He's a good programmer, and a wonderful guy all around. But the WHERE he will find a job needs to become clear soon.

3. Our lack of funds for the 3 months I won't be working. Our original plan was to save our "extra" money while I am pregnant. Please excuse me while I fall over laughing. Ignore the tears. I know I could do a little better with what I spend, but not to the tune of having $6000 by October. And yes, we have a good back up plan, so we won't starve, or get kicked out of our house, but I still wish we had a better financial situation. And I am so tired of hearing myself bitch about that. so I will stop. for now at least.

4. There is no four, really. I just don't want to end on another rant about money. Here are things I am NOT stressed about:

a. My marriage. Every day I think about how lucky I am to be married to the man I am with. Mike is perfect for me, and the only man I'd want to be the father to my children. The way we help to fill the gaps in each other's personalities is awesome. We work together really well, and even when we fight, we have no doubts about our relationship. I love knowing that I will grow old with this man.

b. My house. For once, my house is almost perfectly clean. The time I spent cleaning and clearing while Mike and Kaia were gone was well spent, and we both love coming home to such an improved space. There are still areas that need to be worked on, but it is now a place of comfort and happiness instead of claustrophobia and guilt.

c. My daughter. well, yes, she stresses me out daily. But overall, she's a happy, healthy kid, and that pleases me to no end.

d. My son. It's hard to stress out your mom when you aren't even born yet. He managed it pretty well though during the first few months, but it's all settled down to a routine pregnancy.

I'm sure I could list more in both categories..but I am done typing for now.

you probably don't want to read this. really.

wow. it's been awhile since I've blogged. Unfortunately, this post won't be very good. I'm feeling grouchy and tired, and one of the myriad things annoying me is the fact that my keyboard won't scoot closer to me, which hinders long typing times.

So, what's new with me, you ask? well, I'll tell you, since you were silly enough to ask. (you didn't? well, then, go away)

nothing. nothing is new. I still go to work every day after dropping Kaia off at presc...dayca...damn. I'm not sure what to call it. It's not preschool anymore, she'll be in first grade next month. Daycare sounds....not as good as what it is, for some reason that probably makes no sense. Childcare sounds snotty. and it's not, technically, "school". oh well, I guess it doesn't really matter. I take her there everyday and she stays there all day. She usually has a lot of fun.

I am still pregnant. This is intrinsically a good thing, but on a day to day (and night to night) basis, it's annoying. I can only sleep on my left side, any other position makes me out of breath and my legs fall asleep. My hips and pelvic muscles are not happy about the one-position EVER thing, however, and have decided to rebel. Chiropractor visits are helping, but the $25 co-pay is not a happy thing.

IT'S STILL HOT. Now, I know I complain all winter about the cold, and I still prefer heat to cold, but I feel like bitching, so I will. IT'S FUCKING HOT. It's fine during the day, though I'm stuck inside, I'm stuck inside with air conditioning. But at night, IT'S HOT.

okay, moving on....happy things.....hold on....I'll think of something...besides the usual "I'm healthy, happy, my family is healthy and happy, and we have enough to eat" happy stuff that I am WELL AWARE OF THANK YOU.

sheesh. I'm pissing myself off. maybe I better just sign off.

I'll feel better tomorrow. I'm actually looking forward to making the house spiffy for John and Andrea to come home to.

Blah. and more Blah.

I am SO looking forward to tomorrow. Two weeks is too long to be without my family. Also, haven't been able to sleep very well, all my joints ache, especially my pelvis. Having only two positions to sleep in is not okay.

This morning, after bad dreams kept waking me up, a bird hit my window, scaring the shit out of me. That was at 7, so I just got up. I am still exhausted, even after sleeping after work, then going to bed early.

Okay, okay, enough bitching. I have to figure out if I'm going over to Andrea's tonight...I need to go grocery shopping, so I may do that. That way tomorrow I can finish up things around the house before Mike and Kaia get home. I'm also making a sour cream apple pie for them as a surprise. Need to figure out what to have for dinner though....something that doesn't have to be served at a specific time...

Blech. BLECH, I say.

This day has not started out well, I can only hope it gets better.

This morning, Kaia forgot that she had planned to wear her cowgirl hat until it was too late. She sulked all the way to preschool, then sobbed hysterically when it was time for me to go. Her teacher had to bodily carry her into the classroom, with her screaming all the way. ( I called later, and she calmed down quickly, but still, it's hard on everyone)

Then when I got to work, I discovered that the non-lethal mouse trap had done it's job. The mouse that has been terrorizing Casey is trapped. However, now it shall starve to death, simply for being in the wrong place. I hate how the world works sometimes.

Then of course none of my customers can be HAPPY ones...well, one was, but she didn't buy anything she was just getting info.

My tomato plants didn't get transplanted, my seeds didn't get started. My laundry got mostly done, but it is sitting in a pile in my closet, wrinkling as we speak!

and I am still nauseous.

On a brighter note, I have a Reese's peanut butter cup.