Friday, May 30, 2008

blah blah blah and oh! BLAH!

Sometimes I sit down to write a post and I have so much rushing around in my head. Words of insecurity, words of pride. Stories of my kids. Harsh rants about government or the environment or my dryer. Exultant babblings about blueberries or Kaia's school or Trader Joe's.

And I can't get them out. I can't write it coherently enough for public consumption. Or I start to, and it's whiny, or braggy, or some other such thing I don't really want to publish. So I close it, or delete it, or change the subject.

So here I am, writing a post about not writing several other posts. Exciting, yes? no? about an abbreviated version of a few of them in the form of unsatisfyingly short bullets? mmkay.

  • insecurity: I am tired of "making friends"here. I want to HAVE friends here. I am tired of being unsure of how others think of me. Unsure of how I am seen by others. I am tired of caring, but I can't stop. Also? I want a darn talent! something, anything, that sets me apart.
  • pride: I have made a lot of progress in my non-spending of money. My kids are both happy and healthy. I am very secure in my marriage.
  • kids: actually, I have nothing in this category right now, but this is one area I feel I cover pretty often.
  • rants: for the first time, I am nervous about who will become our new president. We need major change, and fast. our country needs to wake up and start making other changes too. We use THIRTY percent of the world's resources. and my dryer needs to be looked at. the damn lint thing doesn't catch all the lint and I'm worried it'll build up inside.
  • babblings: I'm still excited about my blueberries. There will only be a couple handfuls, but I am growing blueberries. Nothing specific really about Kaia's school, I just still really love it. I can do an entire grocery shopping at Trader Joe's in half an hour, thanks to the small size of the store. Since that is also about the length of time Ben will sit in a cart, it's a wonderful thing.
There is so much more. and right now, since I am tired, it's mostly in the insecure category. I don't really want to write an entire post about it all, because it will give the impression I am unhappy, which really isn't the case. I am content with so much of my life. I find new things about my husband every day that make me gloriously happy to be with him. I look at my kids and almost fall over with amazement that I am so lucky to have them.

and I'd write more, but gotta go pick up Kaia! Thanks for reading, please come again!


Bird said...

I know what you mean. I have several half posts saved in my blogger account that may never see the light of day. Some days I just can't get them finished.

Mom said...

regarding having a talent.....this I understand, the desire to be really good at something.
Well, HELLO dear heart, you are really good at being a mama, and those are not just silly words. I mean you are REALLY good. You and I share so many things, desires, hurts, dreams ha ha Now that I am older I think the things I am good at are not what society calls any kind of 'profession', so I think I do not have a talent--wrong. We can talk more on this. I think you might read 'Narcissus and Goldmund' by Hermann Hesse.

Anonymous said...

I can tell you are happy (why won't you?) but you also want something more (who won't?). We all have some and want more!
I find your statement about your marriage very (VERY) interesting - is there really such a thing; a secured marriage? Hehehe.