Saturday, September 30, 2006

it's late. that's my only excuse.

wow...been a little while, for me, since I wrote anything. busy.

Just stayed up late finishing a really good book. Little Earthquakes...can't remember the author. Bought it thinking it was going to be a lighthearted book about friendship and motherhood, and here I am, my eyes swollen from crying at all the sad bits. still an excellent book though. Mike laughs at me when I cry from reading a book, and then say how good it was. hmmm.....laughs in a loving way, of course.

there are bugs from our new bed. I think. Not sure how they could be, it was only in a garage for one night, but since night before last, which was the first night it was here, both Mike and I have found a bunch of those little moth-type bugs. the little triangle shaped ones...wait, I guess most moths are triangle shaped, huh? well, anyway, I hope they are gone's creepy finding bugs on me all night. still love the bed.

it's been awhile since I've been awake at midnight, and later. So busy lately. I like everything I am doing, but not used to it yet.

having a hard time getting into the whole class thing. English 101. need to start my essay.

came home restless today. really not in a working mood at work either. not sure where the restlessness is coming from.

I would like to go to Egypt. Jason is thinking about going in ...February I think. I would also like to go to Portugal, and Ireland. Mexico, and some tropical island, oooooo....Jamaica! Germany. Australia. Africa...yes, I know those are continents, but can't at the moment think of exact areas, and anyway, I'm not that educated about exact areas....

Have I mentioned my ire about not having an accent? The Pacific Northwest is the only area of the US with no discernible accent. and no, having an American accent does not make me feel better, especially since I don't know any foreign languages yet to speak with an American accent. I love accents.

I have two scars on my stomach. I still haven't figured out how I feel about them. I have gotten to the point where I don't care if they show, and have still been thought to have a sexy belly with them, but they are still flaws. I sometimes feel I have enough of those without the scars. The scars tell stories though. stories that are part of me, stories that tell who I am and why.

do you remember your life vividly? I don't, and I don't know if that's normal. If I actively think of a certain time in my life, I can remember events, details. It's hard to remember thoughts, feelings though. and it's hard to just try to look back on my life as a whole and remember details...such as.....why did I get a divorce? NOT saying I regret's more, why did I do the things that led to the separation that led to the getting back together that led to the separation that led to the divorce that led to the getting back together that led to the final leaving? what was I thinking at each of these apexes? (is that the right word?) why did I choose to do and say, or not do or say, so many of the things in my life? I can't remember...and it seems to me that so many of them were done, or not done, because they were the passive choice. the choice with the least discomfort for me. I hate confrontation. I hate hurting people, but have done so out of inaction....and action. I hate being hurt. doesn't everyone though.

I am glad, so glad, I am not the person I was at 20...21...25. Will I be happy with the changes in me at 35? 40? 80? What will I look back on and say, what the hell was I thinking?

One thing I do know about myself is that my idea of acceptable behavior differs from most everyone else's. and I see so clearly how my way works. (of course)

there is so much time wasted on hate, jealousy, greed, grudges.

can I raise my daughter to be happy? to be kind? to be content? to be loving, and generous, and thoughtful, and strong, and confidentunselfishempatheticcapableloyalgivingfiercehardworkingandsomuchmore?

How do I do that? How do I know what's right? she cried tonight when she went to bed, and I let her, and left her because she can't get into the habit of drawing out bedtime with tears, and I have to be consistent but I know that sometimes I don't spend enough time with her but you know? the dishes need done, and the laundry, and the damn livingroom doesn't clean itself, and I am simply not good at sitting on the floor playing with horses, or polly pocket, and i need to come up with ways to spend time with her. I don't ignore her by any means, please don't think that. and I love my daughter so much.

I have a headache. and I have babbled on long enough.


mom said...

wow. There is alot here. Call me? I want to comment on so much, but want this in front of me when I do. I will call today, Saturday. I have a few ideas, and hopefully some comfort.

Carol said...

So much to think about after reading this. I feel we are so much alike... (or many people are like this?) I like to read your thoughts. They talked to me and helped me reflect my own life. A very nice way to blog. Thank you for sharing this...