the calm before the storm?

I feel I am in Limbo, since my mother is here taking care of everything. I walked into the kitchen tonight and looked around and almost felt I hadn't been in it in days--I have of course, to get food and such, but I haven't done any dishes, have cooked only a few things, and haven't really just walked in to see what could be done. It will be interesting to see how I do with making new routines now that I have a baby and don't work! Wish me luck.....

Some news.....

Hi! Haven't posted lately, have I? and I know! Having a baby is NO excuse! ;-)

Anyway, I'm sure (mostly, kinda) that I will get around to posting about the birth and all that, but since that's too long to think about right now, I'll just move on temporarily (hopefully, maybe)

Ben is sleeping. FINALLY. sheesh. He's been eating for almost 4 hours. straight. I mean, he'll take a break between boobs, for five minutes or so, but then he once looks at me as if he's about to expire from lack of nourishment. His eating schedule (though I guess "schedule" is way to technical of a term for something not even a week into) has been erratic. On the first day, Monday, he wouldn't eat at all until about 8 at night.

It stressed me out, even though the nurses said it was fine, because Kaia was so EASY to feed. After I came out of the recovery room, I went down to the nursery, met my daughter, and she latched on. And her schedule didn't change much after that. 5 minutes, one side, every few hours (the time in between changed of course, as she got older).

After he finally ate Monday, he didn't figure it out again very easily either. It took until sometime Tuesday for him to finally get it mostly down. and sometimes he'll go 3 hours before being hungry again, sometimes 2 minutes. Last night he was up almost continuously until about 3, then he was up 3 times after that before we got up at 7. And again, this morning it's been almost continuous. Now, that's not to say he's been actually GETTING anything the whole time. Takes a bit to recover! But what's scary is that this is the time where he is supposedly getting my supply up to his needs, so that when my milk comes FULLY in (it's slowly getting there), he'll have the right amount for HIM. Which is apparently going to be about a gallon a day.

He is SO FREAKIN' SWEET though. He lifts his head, looking like a little turtle, and looks right at me. and he's such a cuddle bug!! I love it. I might not so much in a few months, but right now I do.

I got all teary and emotional last night. from hormones, I'm sure, but again different from Kaia (and no, I didn't expect it to be the same, but I didn't have anything else to compare to!) It's a harder recovery from the c-section this time too, for some reason. Still glad I did it, and SO glad I was awake, but I feel like such an invalid!

Kaia is thrilled Ben is home. She's being a HUGE help, and staying so positive and cheerful. I love my girl, so much!

Ben is zonked out on my chest, so I think I will try to sleep too, before he decides he's hungry again!

Mike found out he did not get the job he had interviewed for, but the company wants to bring him back for an interview with another team. I understand this happens, but we will both feel SO much better once he has a job lined up. Send happy positive thoughts his way!

Quck Update

Mike's interview in Seattle went well. He's not wanting to get too hopeful, but he interviewed with all 5 members of the team, which according to a friend of ours that works there, is a good sign. not sure when hear if he got the job or not....he comes back tomorrow, will ask him then!

Thanks to my mother, my house is looking pretty damn good. We have to set up the play yard for downstairs and the co-sleeper for upstairs, but other than that, we're set.

So-the Plan:

Tomorrow I am going to my pre-op appointment. Kaia will either go next door or stay here wit her granny.
Sunday night, she'll head over to John and Andrea's to spend the night.
Monday morning, I go in EARLY for the c-section. Mike is coming in with me, and Andrea is driving down to join mom in the waiting room. After putting both kids on the bus, John will bring Kaia down to see us!

Many pictures of Boyo and our family to follow!

Day of Mixed Feelings

some of the good and some of the bad feelings and thoughts from today.....

good-it's nice to be able to take it easy, and have the excuse to do so.

bad-I've been taking it easy, which means my house is not in a good place...and I didn't have an excuse then.

bad-I was supposed to help out Andrea today so she could work, and wasn't able to.

bad-I was also going to go to the mustang adoption with her tomorrow, which I was really looking forward to, even though I don't own horses, and probably never will. It was going to be so nice to spend a day with her, doing something fun, without kids, before baby comes, before we move. I think this is the most irritating part of this.

good-my mother is coming early, which will be nice for both Kaia and I.

bad-I was very much hoping to have the house nice for her, so she didn't immediately feel the need to straighten it. I did get some things done, but trying not to over do it.

good-I am ready for baby, supplies-wise, even though right now not everything is set up. Even if baby had come last night, the only things that would have had to be done would be that set up, and since I am having a c-section, we'd (meaning everyone but me) would have had a few days to do so.

good-I found out that my secret dread-that if I went into labor before Monday, I'd be forced to try a vaginal birth-is unfounded. Even if I go back into labor, I can still have a c-section. (I know that probably sounds very odd to most people, but having a vaginal birth scares me horribly, whereas a c-section is familiar and I know I will recover just fine.

good-Not having the baby meant that Michael can still go for his interview, which I would have tried to insist he do anyway, but not sure if he'd have listened to me.

and for something neither good nor bad, and sounding completely silly, it's kind of just hitting me that VERY SOON there's going to be a baby in the house, and once again, I am in charge of it's safety and happiness...as well as Kaia's. Mike mentioned it too, we talked of when we left the hospital with Kaia 6 years ago, and after we were in the car, ready to go, all the hospital staff walked back into the hospital, and we looked at each other like "where are they GOING?!! They are just leaving us with this brand new human?! They are trusting us with her LIFE?!" Seemed insane that they would do that! And here we are again, about to bring life into the world, where we are his only chance of thriving....and HELLO!?! it's been SIX YEARS since we've had a baby! How are we to be trusted?!
But then we grin at each other....and oh, isn't this AWESOME?!! yes, yes, it is.

Then again, maybe not.

Baby Boyo tried to make his appearance tonight, but was DENIED! My doctor wants him in there just a bit longer if possible. Every day that he's in there is better for lung development. So we are still on for Monday, but now I have to take it easy, and can't do any of the things I'd planned on for the next two days. I was really looking forward to going to the mustang adoption with Andrea, but no go now.

Gonna take a bath (HATE the smell of hospital soap!) and head to bed!

oh!! and sending out a BIG HAPPY BIRTHDAY KATIE!!! to my baby sister.

do not read large print first. it's not true.

Yesterday on the way to swimming, Kaia and Katia were talking about it being one week until the baby comes. As I'm sure you know, weeks go by EXTREMELY slowly for children, and the constant "4 weeks left, 3 weeks left, 2 weeks left...." is starting to annoy Kaia to no end. Yesterday morning I had mentioned to Kaia that there is only ONE week left now before baby comes, and she was marginally excited. (She is still very excited about his coming, but not so much about the "FOREVER" it takes to have this promised boyo.)

So, anyway, back to car ride before swimming. Katia mentions that it's Monday. There is a pause, then Kaia beings to almost convulse in the back seat. She looks at me with a half desperately terrified, half desperately excited expression.

"Mom!! MOM! It's Monday! MONDAY!!!! IT'S MONDAY! The BABY IS COMING, THE BABY IS COMING TODAY!!!!!!"

I think she was terrified we'd miss the event. It actually took awhile for her to believe me that I knew better, and the baby was NOT coming. She seems to have a blurred notion of how involved I will be for said arrival. :-)

Life! Saved!

Today at swimming, I got to see the lifeguard in action! It was very cool, actually to see that the punk college kids knew their stuff. Little kid jumped in, just like he had in class every day, only this time there was no teacher around to catch him. Before the dad next to him could even react, the lifeguard had jumped in and had the kid back up. The kid didn't even have time to realize anything was wrong.

Here's to you, Lifeguard Guy. You ROCKED today!

Conversing with a 6 year old

"Can I ask a question mom? About whether or not a word is a bad word?"
"Of course, hon, you can ask me anything."
"Is 'shit' a bad word?"
"Yes, it is...."
"Am I in trouble for saying it to ask you?"
"Of course not, you can ask Daddy and me anything, and we won't get mad when you are just asking for information."


"Alright, sweetie, here's your cereal...I'm going to try to sleep for a bit more, ok?"
"Okay! Want me to sing you a sleep song?"
"umm....sure...."
"Go to sleep...go to sleep....good night...sleep well...go to sleep....go to sleep..." (repeat about 30 more times)
"thank you dear...that was nice...."
"I love you, mom"
"and I love you, dear one."

"Did you know that at the end of rainbows, there's a pot of gold?"
"That's just a story, sweetie, it's not real"
"The gold is fake?!"
"No......there is no pot of gold. It's actually impossible to FIND the end of the rainbow, it's an optical illusion."
"No, 'cause Brooklyn, at school, said SHE found a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow once!"
"Well, it was either a pretty special rainbow, or she was making it up."
"No, she really did. She promised!"

In the bath together:
"I am going to wash baby brother, okay mom?"
"oh yes? how?"
she starts splashing my stomach.
"See? I want to wash his face, but don't know where it is, so I have to get your whole tummy wet."
"uh huh...."

"This bracelet baby brother can't play with cause he might choke...this (she holds up a plastic purse) he can't have because he might hide things in it so I can't find them....and this he can't have (she holds up another bracelet) because....can you guess why?"
"He would choke on it?"
"No!! He would....." and she sticks it up her nose.

ahead of the game

Baby Boyo has decided he needs to establish eating routines early, you know, just in case.

So, every morning, at about 3:45 am, he wakes me up demanding cereal. no matter that he's STILL IN MY BELLY, and can get nourishment whenever he wants it, oh no, he must HAVE CEREAL NOW!

actually, he'd probably be happy with any sort of food, but cereal is all I'm up for preparing at 3:45 am.

In which boyo gets a name...finally!

First things first, went to the doctor today, just a routine visit. Everything looks fine!

Secondly, we have finally decided on a name!!!! Mike and I sat down last night and talked about it, and narrowed it down to three names. One of them was Ben, the name I've been liking the best, but Mike has been hesitant, though he likes it too. He finally told me why he's been hesitant-when we mention it to Kaia, she's never liked it. I've tried several times, some nonchalantly, some excitedly, both Ben and Benjamin, but I always get a "no!" .....

Today, I told her we had three names, and we wanted to know which she liked best...I listed them, and she said, as if she'd NEVER heard of it before, "I like Benjamin! Can I call him Ben?"

sheesh, girl! Not about to give up this opportunity, however, I told Michael her thoughts, and he asked her again if she was sure that was the name she liked best. She nodded vigorously, and grinned at him. So I asked Mike if he had any other doubts about the name, and he said no, he's quite happy with it!

YAY!!!!! so, to introduce the newest member-to-be of our family, in a little less than two weeks,

Benjamin William Lyle

shall make his appearance!

(and what do you want to bet Kaia will claim all credit for naming him!?)

not trying to be depressing...truly

To my husband, if I die:

Be sure to tell our kids that if I could choose, I’d be there holding them tight, every day.
Tell them that they can talk to me, and though I can’t answer in words, my love answers them every time.
Print out my blog for them to read when they are older. In my Documents are older pages from my last blog.
Let them make their own decisions about who they want to be, and help their dreams come true, even if you don’t agree with those decisions.
Hug them EVERY DAY.
Keep laughter in their lives.
Teach them respect and love for all people, white, black, gay, straight, male, female, and all the others I don’t have room to write down.
Don’t let them put up with people who disrespect them.
Make sure they understand life isn’t fair, and it’s how we deal with that unfairness that counts.
Allow them time to cry.
Teach them that cash is a much smarter option than credit.
Tell them that they were my world, and I would have walked through fire to save them.
Don’t force them to read, instead help them discover a love of reading.
Always answer questions honestly, though geared toward their age.
Teach our son to put the toilet seat down.
Teach our daughter never to kick a boy in the balls-unless he’s being violent himself.
Print out doubles of all our photos and give each child a full set.

The fair!! and breakfast!! couldn't get better....

Yesterday evening we went to the county fair with Andrea and her family. Kaia LOVES fairs, and can't wait until she's tall enough to ignore all height restrictions. She is almost fearless when it comes to rides, and was highly put out when we vetoed the Paratrooper, as it went VERY fast, and none of the adults wanted to go on it! (we're old fuddy duddies!)

I, of course, couldn't go on ANY rides, because of Boy-o. I tried to sneak on to the carousel, but apparently they feel even that is to wild and crazy for us gestating ones. drat. I contemplated claiming I had a stomach tumor, and how dare they bring attention to it, and John recommended claiming I was stealing a basketball, but in the end I meekly admitted to being With Child, and was sternly turned away from the dangerous labor-inducing up and down motion of the pretend ponies.

Kaia and Liam took their first solo ferris wheel ride, and laughed the whole time. They continued to laugh uproariously on every ride they went on, except the little-kid whale ride, which they found too tame at their advanced ages of 6 and 5.

One of the favorite attractions was the saloon fun house, which featured large paintings of lewd women and foolishly grinning cowboys. Each time we walked by, the kids would take 3-4 tours, leaving us outside to listen to the loud BANG BANG BANG of the metal sidewalk part of it.

We did no games, usually I let Kaia do one, but I really didn't want to bring home any junk, and the expense was unnecessary, to say the least. I got her a bracelet for unlimited rides, and we ate "dinner" there. I swear, it's ridiculous that I'm allowed to eat carnie food, but the carousel is labelled "too risky". My favorite thing was the caramel apple slices, and I plan to make those frequently, now that I realize you can cut the apple up before covering in caramel, an ingenious idea!

We also watched a very small part of the rodeo, but the announcer and the clown were idiots and took up too much time gabbing, so we left soon, and went to the animal barns.

oh my!!! my wonderful man has just made us breakfast!! Going to enjoy it....talk more later!

On a lighter note....

- This morning on the way to the bus stop, Kaia and I were walking behind a mom and her daughter. Kaia mentioned that they were both "very dark". I said yes, they were a nice brown color. Kaia said "Yes, they are a VERY pretty color!" I don't understand people who want their kids to not notice color. I want Kaia to see it, and revel in the fact that humans come in so many wonderful shades.

- We are going to a fair tomorrow! Kaia loves fairs, should be a blast. I will bring my camera, as I will sadly be unable to partake in the rides.

- Kaia has a sibling education class at the hospital on Saturday! Should be a lot of fun for her, she gets to learn all about how to be a big sister.

- On Saturday night, she'll be spending the night at Andrea's, and Mike and I will be having a wonderful time watching some more Buffy!

- Sunday I plan to dedicate to getting my house in better shape. It's seriously stressing me out.

-Wish Michael mucho luck at the career fair he is attending tomorrow!!!!

but the PINK variety are still allowed, don't worry

two decisions, come about from the last two posts.

one-during the times she would normally be in tap class, for the one months we paid for and can't get back, Kaia will be doing chores.

two-simply saying

"some rules are just there, we may not understand them, but we have to follow them, just like people have to follow our rules in our house, even if they don't understand them."

is sometimes the only answer.

oh, and on that note, I have established a new house rule. there are NO blue pig socks allowed in my house. please note, and remove any such offending socks from thy luggage. NO BLUE PIG SOCKS! I find them inappropriate.

What's next? Eye contact?

sigh. sometimes I just feel lost. lost about being a parent, about being an adult, about...being.

Today, I went to pick up Kaia from after school care. She goes there right after first grade, which ends at 3, and stays until I pick her up at around 5:15. It's at the same place she went to preschool, and care before and after kindergarten. She loves the teachers, and knows a LOT of the kids. She has always played "house" and "marriage" with whomever, male or female, her friends at the time are.

Her current best friend is Ashley, she of the "shared germs." She has previously told me about plans she and Ashley have to marry a boy in their school (he goes to kindergarten, so they see him on the bus and at after school care). I really haven't seen a problem with it, seems like normal behaviour to me, to pretend to be mommies and daddies and families. And, I admit, when she told me about kissing Ashley on the bus yesterday, I really didn't think anything of it. (must be the slut coming out in me?!)

Anyway. Today, when I picked her up, her name was highlighted on the sign-out sheet, which means "see the teacher". I dutifully waited while he spoke to another parents, then smiled when he turned to me.

"Okay, " he said. "Here's the situation."

uh oh, I thought. There's a situation!?

"I had to talk to Kaia and one other girl today." He says this as if I can't deduce from the one other highlighted name, Ashley's, who this other girl might be.

"There's been a problem with kissing between these two and a boy they ride the bus with." At this point, it occurs to me that I really should have talked with Kaia about no kissing yesterday.

"I've talked to the three of them before about what's appropriate behaviour and what isn't. They know that at school and here, kissing is not allowed." (makes sense when he says it. I nod vigorously.)

"But today, they got off the bus and were laughing and talking about kissing each other on the bus." uh oh....leave it to my daughter to try to get around the rules....sigh....

"I told them that this time, I would have to talk to their parents." I nod again, of course I will talk to her about this. Kissing at school OR on the bus-bad. got it.

"Kaia loves to play house quite a bit." He goes on. I nod again, slowly. I know this....they have a set up there specifically FOR this purpose...so I'm a bit lost as to where this is now going.

"They have been playing mom and daddy and baby." Again, I slowly nod. She's been playing house for all three years she's been going to this school.....

"They asked if it was okay to hold hands, since they can't kiss." I start to nod...holding hands as an alternative makes sense to me...no germs are passed, no diseases....very good altern-

"I told them that holding hands is not appropriate behaviour either." I continue to nod, out of habit, but wait! Holding hands is NOT an appropriate alternative? WHY THE HELL NOT!?! Now, I don't say this, I just nod and say I will talk to her about what's okay at school and what's not. Then I go and get Kaia, and a whole 'nother problem with fits and whining occurs, but that's another story.

Holding hands is not okay when you are 6 years old and playing house? Am I just morally loose? Well, I am, but I had thought I knew where my personal boundaries exceeded society's. Apparently I was wrong.

So later, I am trying to talk to Kaia about this. I do fine with the no kissing rule (sort of).

Kissing at her age, I tell her, is only for mommy and daddy. oh, and granny...grumpy...family...wait, and Andrea...and Tania and Kathy...so other adults that we know..wait...I mean...people who we consider family because we love them...but not ones at school, even if we love them...sigh....moving on...

Also, I tell her, her teacher has said no holding hands while playing house. What!?! She responds. WHY NOT!?!

umm.... I say....well.....umm....I'm not really....because that's the rule at school. I finish with lamely.

She looks up at me, a combination of confusion and disbelief and disgust.

But WHY? she repeats.

Because holding hands is touching, and touching is...I start....then stop....I don't WANT my daughter to feel that touching, and holding hands, and even, yes, kissing, is wrong. I want her to feel comfortable in her body, a body that likes to be touched and held and cuddled. Before you get up in arms, of COURSE I know there are appropriate ages and places for different sorts of touching.

But HOLDING HANDS?!? Why is this wrong? How do I explain to my daughter that something that she's been doing her whole life, something that I MAKE her do for safety quite OFTEN is apparently inappropriate behaviour? Especially when I don't agree?!

Sometimes, I'm just lost.

The good and the bad.

The good, first, shall we? that way I can be reminded that I LOVE my daughter.

when I picked her up from school---

"Mom, guess what? Ashley and I have the same germs now!"

"Oh really?"

"Yes, so even though we aren't family, it's okay! 'Cause she had a drink, juice, cranberry juice, and she took a drink, and didn't even wipe the top, and then I took a drink, AND we kissed on the bus on the way back, so now we have the same germs!"

She was so excited. It cracks me up sometimes, the things she comes up with.

and now, the reason that sometimes, only sometimes, I want to, almost, slap her.

For MONTHS she has been excited about tap class. She decided on her own that she wanted to do tap instead of ballet, or gymnastics, or anything else. We signed her up, bought tap shoes and the required shirt with the studio logo, and waited. She went to dance camp, where she had fun, and she was looking forward to September, when tap class started.

Then today. We go into class. She puts on her shoes. They line up. The teacher starts going over basic steps. Kaia lasts about 2 minutes, then comes over to me. "I don't want to do tap, it's boring."

WTF!?!?! She was mad in dance camp when they only did tap for part of the class. She's been putting her tap shoes on and "practicing" for WEEKS. and now it's BORING!?! $30 tuition for a month, $15 tap shoes, $5 shirt, for TWO FUCKING MINUTES OF CLASS. She flat out refused to finish even one lesson.

Now, I'm all for making her follow through. But there's only so much I can do without disrupting the class, which is extremely rude, and always pisses me off when other parents do it. So after about 5 minutes of whispered argument, we left. In the car, I assured her that she has used up her allotted money for fun classes for a good while. When we got home, Mike brought out the Daddy Voice and let her know in no uncertain terms that her behaviour is unacceptable, then sent her up to clean her room.

She has just come down to tell me she's finished. I plan on taking a bag up, and anything not done- "it's ALL done, mama! I PROMISE!"- will go in the bag, never to be seen again.

I want her to be able to do fun things. I want her to have opportunities and learn talents and have good childhood memories. I want to be able to let her choose fun things to go do. It's not that I am forcing her to sign up for these things! I am not one of those parents who makes their child take all sorts of classes.

now I am babbling. I'm done.

a good Monday...amazing!

Feeling much better today! I think that much of my irritation was caused from still being tired from all my activity on Saturday. Though there are still things I need to talk over with him, I am much more cheerful and loveful toward him today. He and Kaia are spending the day together since schools are closed. They went grocery shopping, and picked up a couple more bins for storage, so we can finish cleaning the dining room storage closet out.

Planning a more detailed blog about garnet hunting later!

bah

I am in a very irritable mood right now. Won't talk about it because I suppose it's not nice to talk about being annoyed with Mike publicly. But I am ANNOYED. just so you know.


and my "J" key seems a bit snarky.

Garnets?

We are going garnet hunting today! Kaia is very excited. I am too, but also a bit trepidatious. There's a 1/2 mile hike into the area, and then very little accommodations. There is an outhouse--if there were no bathroom, I wouldn't go. Hopefully it won't be too hot today, either.

I packed us a lunch, and plenty of water. I am bringing my camera, but not sure if I'll be clean enough to use it!

I'm being negative. I know I will end up enjoying myself, and it's nice spending time with Kaia, and Andrea's family. I hope we get some garnets, so the kids (and my mom!) aren't too disappointed!