Wednesday, December 13, 2006


I have been known to submerge my stress, my worry, my sadness. In fact, I was told that was one of the contributors to my sickness, my habit of burying stress inside me. It is hard for me to admit to being actually upset, though I will bitch about stuff for long minutes at a time. But if I am actually worried? really, really worried? You probably won't know. Hell, I probably won't know. But I have incontrovertible proof I am upset about going to Bill's memorial.

I am not packing.

yes, this seems odd. what, you might ask, about packing-or the lack thereof-proves such a thing?

Some of my close acquaintances are aware of my love of packing before a trip. I have everything laid out, and ready to go. laundry is done, and toiletries are in bags on the bathroom counter, waiting for their final use before travel.

I am not saying a pack WELL. In fact, I am hopeless at packing the correct number and style of clothes for myself or my daughter. Mike's packing is hard to mess up. jeans, jeans, jeans, maybe some slacks, some t-shirts, some button up shirts, boxers, socks, undershirts, voila!

However, I LOVE the anticipation of packing for a trip. I will do it as soon as I can justify it. when I have more space for clothes, that could be weeks ahead of the actual trip.

and I can't do it. We leave Friday, are thinking about not being here tomorrow night, and I work tomorrow. and it's getting later.

I've managed to force myself to do laundry, and it's mostly done. but the thought of putting it into suitcases, and thinking of everything I need to bring, and sorting toothpaste and brushes and's exhausting. I feel like laying down and just sleeping for days.

Which is how I deal with stress when it won't let itself be pushed down. I sleep. If I am in a serious fight with someone, I get so tired I can barely breathe. This is quite so bad, but I can feel the weight of it.

I didn't think I was this affected. Yes, I'm sad about it. Bill was an amazing guy, so full of life, and such a GOOD man. But I know Mike and Kaia feel it much more than I do.

It's so strange to me, to think of someone simply not being here on earth any more. To not EVER be able to talk to them again in this life. It's so final (yes, I know that's obvious. it still seems unreal)

Saturday will be hard. I will be there for my husband, for my daughter. will be drunk in large amounts.

and we are there for 11 days. more than usual, so I am hoping to get some good, real time with all of those people there I love so much. Life is so uncertain, but I know that the people I spend time with while down there, the people I choose to have in my life, are with me to the end. both the ones in my family, and the ones I consider family, though not related by blood. i don't always remember to call them often, but I think of all of them, all of you, so much, every day. I have been SO LUCKY in the people I have found, and the people I was born to. I need to make more of an effort to show them that I know that.

alright, enough rambling for tonight. there are suitcases to be filled ...... yawn.....

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