Saturday, October 20, 2007

not really a eulogy.....

My grandmother has been very depressed since the death of my grandfather several years ago. We've just found out that she stopped eating a couple weeks ago, so her time is near.

When my grandfather died, I was really upset. He was the most marvelous man, and though I didn't see him often, I felt very close to him. He is the reason that I made sure to find a man with a sense of humor, knowing that it is one of the most important things in this world.

It's a bit different with my grandmother. I do love her, but she has never been the type of grandmother that inspires closeness, or hugs, or even talking more than politeness requires. That seems very harsh, and please know that I know she loves me, and would do anything for me if I needed her to. But her life growing up wasn't pleasant (she's Jewish and had to flee Hitler-run Germany as a child), and she was very cold in her day to day interactions with even her family. My feelings toward her weren't helped by my mother's stories of life growing up with her as a step-mother, and my own time with her didn't dispel the feeling of distance and reserve.

As an adult, I am always uncomfortable when visiting her, and haven't seen her in a couple of years.

So now that she is at the end of her life, my feelings are mixed. Yes, I will be sad. But I have very few soft and fuzzy memories of her. I know that all she wants is to be with her husband again, and I know she is very unhappy here on earth. I feel bad about not feeling more upset, but that can't be helped, and I'm not going to demean the feelings I DO have by pretending to be more sad than I am.

Gammer, my Gammer. Whatever there is after death, I know you will be there with my Gaffer, and that that is what you want. Give each other hugs from me.

I love you, and I hope you find your peace.

1 comment:

mom said...

Thanks to you for these words. I will say the last ones to her, when I see her Tuesday.