Been awhile...

and the tone might change a bit. Right now I'm sitting here while Mike and the kids are over having dinner with friends. I'm going out tonight to help other friends celebrate. I'm not really feeling like celebrating right now.

While I know this is my decision, and I feel it's the right one, and most days I really am okay, tonight I am not. I am worried about finding a job, going to school, finishing my homework this weekend, getting my car fixed...and on and on and on.

Right when I am fitting in, as the mom in a family, knowing other families, ones that include a husband, wife, kids....I go and become single again. I don't think I know any other single women, moms or not. The few unmarried ones have boyfriends...well, the one unmarried one. What'll I do with my free time on weeks I don't have the kids? I see a lot of movies in my future.

Hearing Mike talk about the things he's starting to look forward to solidify my decision, and my feeling that both of us will find bigger happiness apart than together becomes more concrete. I worry so much about how Kaia will react, but I know I need to show my kids that following what's in your heart is the only way to find happiness in this world. Mistakes will be made, and money might not always follow, but if you're following your dreams, you can't go wrong.

I must be true to myself in order to be true to those I love.

in the car, yesterday

Kaia: "When I grow up, I'm going to pretend to be a boy."
Me: "interesting."
Kaia: "But I won't tell my wife. I won't ever show her my ...you know...that way she'll never know I'm not a boy."
Me: "ummm...huh..."
Kaia: "then when she dies, I'll be a girl again."
Me: ".............."

Little Man

Ben's cognitive abilities are crazy growing! For the last couple of nights, we've done "best part of the day" at dinner. Here are the things he said:

Last night--

me: "Ben, what was the best part of your day? Something good that happened today?"
Ben: "Armwarmers!" His granny had knitted him some armwarmers, and he had worn them most of the day. I thought it was very cool that he understood the conversation and the point of the topic!

Tonight--

me: "Ben, what was the best part of today for you? What happened that was fun? "
Ben: "Going Katie" We went over to a friend's house, her daughter is also 2, and is named Katie. he loves playing with her!

this is why I am heading to the asylum when Mike gets home

here is the completely un-exaggerated conversation that happens whenever Kaia is supposed to be doing a chore--and this is the very short, simple one of putting clothes from the washer into the dryer.....


me: "Are your clothes ready to be put into the dryer?"
her: "I don't know." (continues playing)
me: "Check, please."
her: SIGH. wanders toward the garage. gets distracted, starts playing.
me: "clothes, Kaia."
her: "I am!" opens garage door, heads out.
five minutes later...
her: coming out of garage singing to herself. wanders around.
me: "were they ready to be put into the dryer?"
her: "oh! I don't know..." wanders back into the garage.
five minutes later...
her: coming out of garage "I don't know where a laundry basket is"
me: in my room, dump the dirty clothes in front of the washer and use it for the clean ones"
her: dragging the hamper through the living room, gets distracted showing Ben how to take care of his baby.
me: "clothes, Kaia!"
her: "Ben doesn't know how to take care of his baby! I care about babies, don't you!?!!?"
me: " not pretend ones when you are supposed to be doing chores."
her: "MOM!! that's horrible that you don't care about babies!!!"
me: "CLOTHES, KAIA!"
her: "OKAY!" drags hamper into garage
TEN minutes later, comes out of garage
me: "where are the clean ones from the dryer?"
her: "oh, right...." wanders back into garage, comes out dragging a hamper with clean clothes. I hear no dryer sounds.
me: "did you start the dryer?"
her: "no, I haven't put my clothes in yet!"
me: " leave that here, go do so."
her: "okay" wanders back into garage.
a LONG TIME later...she comes back out
her: "can you help me? It's hard."
me: "no, you can do it. NOW GO DO SO!!"
her: "I have a stomach ache"
me: "I'm sorry to hear that. After you put your clothes into the dryer, you can rest."
her: moaning as she goes back in..."you don't even care that I'm sick!"
A VERY LONG TIME later...she comes back out.
her: "THERE. I'm DONE."
me: "remember to take this hamper into my room, please"
her: GROAN, MOAN, WHIMPER "but my TUMMY HURTS!"
me: "just do it"

she takes the hamper in, limping and moaning. coming back out...

her: "am I done now?"
me: "yes, finally"
here: "BEN!! let's play now!!" and runs off.