alright people, I'm fine... :-)
I get melancholy when it's late and I've just finished a sad book. I'm really okay though.
got some cleaning done today, though could definitely do some more...if I weren't feeling so lazy. It's a beautiful day outside! sunny and warm.
We're going grocery shopping in a bit, need to go over to the next town so I can try to find some spelt bread for Mike, who's trying not to eat wheat because of his Ulcerative Colitis.
Then we are heading over to Andrea's to spend the night. Mike is staying here to get some work done. Tomorrow I'm helping paint their trim on their house. Tonight we drink mead! yum.
We are thinking of getting the Nintendo Wii as a family Christmas gift. There's some kid games available, and you can also buy old Nintendo games through it for $5-$15! I like car games. It's a really cool system, much more interactive than old consoles. We will see, it's not a sure thing yet. And you know Mike and I have SO much time to play video games!
damn it! I just saw the spider that got away from Mike earlier, but by the time Mike came in to get him, he disappeared again. It cracks me up, Kaia is not afraid of spiders, though she doesn't like them. I get off the couch if one is on the curtains, She climbs up and puts her face three inches from the creature. "yep" she says "he's a biter!"
Saturday, September 30, 2006
it's late. that's my only excuse.
wow...been a little while, for me, since I wrote anything. busy.
Just stayed up late finishing a really good book. Little Earthquakes...can't remember the author. Bought it thinking it was going to be a lighthearted book about friendship and motherhood, and here I am, my eyes swollen from crying at all the sad bits. still an excellent book though. Mike laughs at me when I cry from reading a book, and then say how good it was. hmmm.....laughs in a loving way, of course.
there are bugs from our new bed. I think. Not sure how they could be, it was only in a garage for one night, but since night before last, which was the first night it was here, both Mike and I have found a bunch of those little moth-type bugs. the little triangle shaped ones...wait, I guess most moths are triangle shaped, huh? well, anyway, I hope they are gone soon...it's creepy finding bugs on me all night. still love the bed.
it's been awhile since I've been awake at midnight, and later. So busy lately. I like everything I am doing, but not used to it yet.
having a hard time getting into the whole class thing. English 101. need to start my essay.
came home restless today. really not in a working mood at work either. not sure where the restlessness is coming from.
I would like to go to Egypt. Jason is thinking about going in ...February I think. I would also like to go to Portugal, and Ireland. Mexico, and some tropical island, oooooo....Jamaica! Germany. Australia. Africa...yes, I know those are continents, but can't at the moment think of exact areas, and anyway, I'm not that educated about exact areas....
Have I mentioned my ire about not having an accent? The Pacific Northwest is the only area of the US with no discernible accent. and no, having an American accent does not make me feel better, especially since I don't know any foreign languages yet to speak with an American accent. I love accents.
I have two scars on my stomach. I still haven't figured out how I feel about them. I have gotten to the point where I don't care if they show, and have still been thought to have a sexy belly with them, but they are still flaws. I sometimes feel I have enough of those without the scars. The scars tell stories though. stories that are part of me, stories that tell who I am and why.
do you remember your life vividly? I don't, and I don't know if that's normal. If I actively think of a certain time in my life, I can remember events, details. It's hard to remember thoughts, feelings though. and it's hard to just try to look back on my life as a whole and remember details...such as.....why did I get a divorce? NOT saying I regret it...wait...it's more, why did I do the things that led to the separation that led to the getting back together that led to the separation that led to the divorce that led to the getting back together that led to the final leaving? what was I thinking at each of these apexes? (is that the right word?) why did I choose to do and say, or not do or say, so many of the things in my life? I can't remember...and it seems to me that so many of them were done, or not done, because they were the passive choice. the choice with the least discomfort for me. I hate confrontation. I hate hurting people, but have done so out of inaction....and action. I hate being hurt. doesn't everyone though.
I am glad, so glad, I am not the person I was at 20...21...25. Will I be happy with the changes in me at 35? 40? 80? What will I look back on and say, what the hell was I thinking?
One thing I do know about myself is that my idea of acceptable behavior differs from most everyone else's. and I see so clearly how my way works. (of course)
there is so much time wasted on hate, jealousy, greed, grudges.
can I raise my daughter to be happy? to be kind? to be content? to be loving, and generous, and thoughtful, and strong, and confidentunselfishempatheticcapableloyalgivingfiercehardworkingandsomuchmore?
How do I do that? How do I know what's right? she cried tonight when she went to bed, and I let her, and left her because she can't get into the habit of drawing out bedtime with tears, and I have to be consistent but I know that sometimes I don't spend enough time with her but you know? the dishes need done, and the laundry, and the damn livingroom doesn't clean itself, and I am simply not good at sitting on the floor playing with horses, or polly pocket, and i need to come up with ways to spend time with her. I don't ignore her by any means, please don't think that. and I love my daughter so much.
I have a headache. and I have babbled on long enough.
Just stayed up late finishing a really good book. Little Earthquakes...can't remember the author. Bought it thinking it was going to be a lighthearted book about friendship and motherhood, and here I am, my eyes swollen from crying at all the sad bits. still an excellent book though. Mike laughs at me when I cry from reading a book, and then say how good it was. hmmm.....laughs in a loving way, of course.
there are bugs from our new bed. I think. Not sure how they could be, it was only in a garage for one night, but since night before last, which was the first night it was here, both Mike and I have found a bunch of those little moth-type bugs. the little triangle shaped ones...wait, I guess most moths are triangle shaped, huh? well, anyway, I hope they are gone soon...it's creepy finding bugs on me all night. still love the bed.
it's been awhile since I've been awake at midnight, and later. So busy lately. I like everything I am doing, but not used to it yet.
having a hard time getting into the whole class thing. English 101. need to start my essay.
came home restless today. really not in a working mood at work either. not sure where the restlessness is coming from.
I would like to go to Egypt. Jason is thinking about going in ...February I think. I would also like to go to Portugal, and Ireland. Mexico, and some tropical island, oooooo....Jamaica! Germany. Australia. Africa...yes, I know those are continents, but can't at the moment think of exact areas, and anyway, I'm not that educated about exact areas....
Have I mentioned my ire about not having an accent? The Pacific Northwest is the only area of the US with no discernible accent. and no, having an American accent does not make me feel better, especially since I don't know any foreign languages yet to speak with an American accent. I love accents.
I have two scars on my stomach. I still haven't figured out how I feel about them. I have gotten to the point where I don't care if they show, and have still been thought to have a sexy belly with them, but they are still flaws. I sometimes feel I have enough of those without the scars. The scars tell stories though. stories that are part of me, stories that tell who I am and why.
do you remember your life vividly? I don't, and I don't know if that's normal. If I actively think of a certain time in my life, I can remember events, details. It's hard to remember thoughts, feelings though. and it's hard to just try to look back on my life as a whole and remember details...such as.....why did I get a divorce? NOT saying I regret it...wait...it's more, why did I do the things that led to the separation that led to the getting back together that led to the separation that led to the divorce that led to the getting back together that led to the final leaving? what was I thinking at each of these apexes? (is that the right word?) why did I choose to do and say, or not do or say, so many of the things in my life? I can't remember...and it seems to me that so many of them were done, or not done, because they were the passive choice. the choice with the least discomfort for me. I hate confrontation. I hate hurting people, but have done so out of inaction....and action. I hate being hurt. doesn't everyone though.
I am glad, so glad, I am not the person I was at 20...21...25. Will I be happy with the changes in me at 35? 40? 80? What will I look back on and say, what the hell was I thinking?
One thing I do know about myself is that my idea of acceptable behavior differs from most everyone else's. and I see so clearly how my way works. (of course)
there is so much time wasted on hate, jealousy, greed, grudges.
can I raise my daughter to be happy? to be kind? to be content? to be loving, and generous, and thoughtful, and strong, and confidentunselfishempatheticcapableloyalgivingfiercehardworkingandsomuchmore?
How do I do that? How do I know what's right? she cried tonight when she went to bed, and I let her, and left her because she can't get into the habit of drawing out bedtime with tears, and I have to be consistent but I know that sometimes I don't spend enough time with her but you know? the dishes need done, and the laundry, and the damn livingroom doesn't clean itself, and I am simply not good at sitting on the floor playing with horses, or polly pocket, and i need to come up with ways to spend time with her. I don't ignore her by any means, please don't think that. and I love my daughter so much.
I have a headache. and I have babbled on long enough.
Tuesday, September 26, 2006
I am a bubble head!
oh for bob's sake.
I just backed up my blog onto my computer, and read snippets of entries here and there. My head is a sieve, I swear. I write posts vowing to start this and that, and to blog about it daily, then not only never blog about it, but never remember to do it! I say I am going to write down what I spend. forget about it. I ask for advice on what to write. forget to take it. I remembered my Simplicity Lessons that I only did one lesson in...then forgot them. I just flit through life picking up causes and ideas and goals then blithely toss them aside to mold! sigh.
I wish I knew HTML, then I could write side lists like with MSN Spaces.....Hopefully next summer Mike can write our personal blog site with everything I want!
Will catch up on my activities (Kaia had so much fun in the play!) tomorrow. No promises on catching up on promised posts though. still very busy.
have a good night folks!
I just backed up my blog onto my computer, and read snippets of entries here and there. My head is a sieve, I swear. I write posts vowing to start this and that, and to blog about it daily, then not only never blog about it, but never remember to do it! I say I am going to write down what I spend. forget about it. I ask for advice on what to write. forget to take it. I remembered my Simplicity Lessons that I only did one lesson in...then forgot them. I just flit through life picking up causes and ideas and goals then blithely toss them aside to mold! sigh.
I wish I knew HTML, then I could write side lists like with MSN Spaces.....Hopefully next summer Mike can write our personal blog site with everything I want!
Will catch up on my activities (Kaia had so much fun in the play!) tomorrow. No promises on catching up on promised posts though. still very busy.
have a good night folks!
what is WRONG with this picture?!
okay, first of all, I am ALL FOR sex ed and I will get my daughter birth control when she reaches a certain age.
NO WAY IN HELL will that age be NINE FLIPPING YEARS OLD!!!!
http://www.recoilmag.com/news/chewable_birth_control_pills.html
WHAT THE F^*%K!!!!!!!!!!
NO WAY IN HELL will that age be NINE FLIPPING YEARS OLD!!!!
http://www.recoilmag.com/news/chewable_birth_control_pills.html
WHAT THE F^*%K!!!!!!!!!!
Monday, September 25, 2006
heart broke? nope...
Kaia asked me yesterday...
"What does it mean when someone breaks up with you?" (remember her boyfriend Anthony)
"It means you aren't boyfriend and girlfriend anymore. Why?"
"'Cause Anthony broke up with me the other day." (she is coloring, perfectly happy)
"Oh! Why did he break up with you?" (do I really want to pursue this conversation?!)
"He doesn't love me anymore" (still coloring, she says this quite nonchalantly, still quite happy)
"Oh. Well. umm... you okay?" (shouldn't I not being having this conversation until she's, oh, say, THIRTY!?!)
"Yep! How do you draw a bunny?"
"What does it mean when someone breaks up with you?" (remember her boyfriend Anthony)
"It means you aren't boyfriend and girlfriend anymore. Why?"
"'Cause Anthony broke up with me the other day." (she is coloring, perfectly happy)
"Oh! Why did he break up with you?" (do I really want to pursue this conversation?!)
"He doesn't love me anymore" (still coloring, she says this quite nonchalantly, still quite happy)
"Oh. Well. umm... you okay?" (shouldn't I not being having this conversation until she's, oh, say, THIRTY!?!)
"Yep! How do you draw a bunny?"
Sunday, September 24, 2006
statement. query.
I want to clean my entire house. every nook and cranny. This little drawer in the desk. Under the bathroom sink. re-organize all my kitchen cupboards. I want a specific easy-to-get-to file where all my important papers are. A place for Kai to do homework that includes everything that was in the "A Place for Your Child to do Homework" paper that her teacher sent home. ("ideally, your child's feet should touch the floor. The place should be quiet and clear of any other papers or clutter.") !!!!!!!!
But i sit here. the task seems impossible. oh, and I want garden supply areas! A nice armoire-style garden closet! and space for the garden itself, have I mentioned that at all!?
this apartment is larger than many 2 bedroom places out there. it has storage closets, and a bathroom with two sinks. but I want more. I always do. why can't I find that zen place wherein I am at peace with my surroundings? I want to get rid of clutter! but I have, and want most of what's left, I just want more room to put it! I want floor space where I can stretch out and do dance DVD's.
I want. I want. I want.
I know, I am so lucky in what I have. I have everything and more that i need. again, why can't I be happy with it? not just resigned, not temporarily willing to deal until later...but genuinely content with the now? how do I make myself feel the way I know I should? How do I get into my thick head that I am rich beyond many peoples' dreams!?! I can tell myself that over and over. I can even say "yes I'm happy" yet still I dream of new towels and a matching soap dispenser.
are you happy? content with what you currently have, not wishing for one more thing in your life? do I know anyone in that state of complete repletion? is it possible? if not, WHY?
But i sit here. the task seems impossible. oh, and I want garden supply areas! A nice armoire-style garden closet! and space for the garden itself, have I mentioned that at all!?
this apartment is larger than many 2 bedroom places out there. it has storage closets, and a bathroom with two sinks. but I want more. I always do. why can't I find that zen place wherein I am at peace with my surroundings? I want to get rid of clutter! but I have, and want most of what's left, I just want more room to put it! I want floor space where I can stretch out and do dance DVD's.
I want. I want. I want.
I know, I am so lucky in what I have. I have everything and more that i need. again, why can't I be happy with it? not just resigned, not temporarily willing to deal until later...but genuinely content with the now? how do I make myself feel the way I know I should? How do I get into my thick head that I am rich beyond many peoples' dreams!?! I can tell myself that over and over. I can even say "yes I'm happy" yet still I dream of new towels and a matching soap dispenser.
are you happy? content with what you currently have, not wishing for one more thing in your life? do I know anyone in that state of complete repletion? is it possible? if not, WHY?
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